epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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The Flash 3x09 + Reign 3x18 + Timeless 1x02 + Arrow 5x09 Reviewed

The Present
Barry and co make huge logic leaps about Alchemy and Savitar. Barry fawns over Iris. Julian is so stereotypically British. Alchemy uses the Philosopher’s Stone. People mumble. Earth3 has a Trickster into black lipstick, purple hair and over-acting. Jay Garrick is saved by Barry, because every character is castrated to make him look good. Savitar the god of motion was never mentioned before now and he is a total Galactus rip-off.

Wally is faster than Barry. HR is hugely irritating. Jay utters platitudes. The shrill tinsel gaiety of Christmas is on display. Expectations for season 3 are downplayed. Cisco is pitiful. Like season 2, season 3 has serious shortcomings. There is festive sadness. Savitar and Alchemy aren’t fearsome antagonists. Barry is not burdened with massive intellect, responsibility or expectation. Iris is equally awful. Will Joe and Barry stop being awful? Nobody says Barry’s suspicions of Julian are down to his festering suspicions.

This has no minutely calibrated artisnal brilliance. Joe and Barry have jovial contempt for Wally. Snow is useless. Julian looks like a human ferret. Barry and co keep people locked up for no reason. Barry is a dick. Snow overdoes the booze bronzer. Cisco bores. Nobody has integrity. This was an awful thing. Men’s narratives are not debatable. This was pitiful and has some of the worst decisions ever made.

Alchemy rants about their ever lasting damnation. There is vague menace and dark mutterings and malicious intent. This has no purpose just stupid VFX. Barry sees the future and nobody cares. Barry gets away with his crap and presumptions AGAIN. This was all sap and cheese.

Best Lines:
“Evil murderous bastard.”

“Bow to your god.”

“One shall betray you, one shall fall, one will suffer a fate worse than death.”


Spiders In A Jar
Mary is Scotland’s Queen at last. James Stuart looks like a cartoon weasel. Mary and Elizabeth circle each other aggressively. Mary’s real, exaggerated or imagined faults grow. As do her personal failures and inadequacy. Catherine and Leith plot. Mary has utterly disproportionate reactions to everything. Knox is sent to test patience. This was ill-considered. Mary is eternally offended. Season 3 has rarely been lauded.

This has no emotional charge or implications as Lola is moronic. Ireland is mentioned. Dudley looms. Lola’s bastard son is taken away, as if a Valois bastard could be moved around so easily. There is flat effect acting. Lola has no purpose and there is no incentive to care. Mary wears tartan and Gideon the worthless scrote lurks. Charles shows up. Claude and her front bottom bunting bores. There is foreshadowing.

Elizabeth has no clemency in her soul for Lola. Charles keens despair. Lola pontificates and has no remorse or acute self-doubt. Mary does a ‘Braveheart’ style speech. Charles unseats Catherine as regent. Mary always valued England’s throne more than her own. Dudley casually announces he has married again. Elizabeth wouldn’t have attended an execution. Narcisse sees Lola get her head chopped off; will he be in season 4?

Leith dies. Nobody cries. Bash’s pagan roots are brought up. Charles learns Catherine is plotting to make Henri King. Bash heads off. Mary declares her intention to take Elizabeth’s throne. Poor deluded fool and her incivility.

Best Lines:
“She means to take mine.”

“The ways of the French.”

“Give them justice for their death.”

“There can only be one Queen.”

“This isn’t a job you get to choose.”

“Leave me and my court.”

“Not to be spared.”

“Mary’s rule will not last.”

“They can’t let the other survive.”

“With what proof?”

“Bring me her secrets.”

“Someday it will be mine.”

The Assassination Of Abraham Lincoln
This was mediocre and unsubtle. Lucy tantrums over her ret-gone sister. Solider boy is thick. Flynn shows up to opaque and cute. Is the time machine company run by an evil cooperation? People whine and how do the trio have 19th century money? Despite fights and moral debate, Flynn ends up shooting Lincoln and history is changed again. Lucy gets a high school named after her for her heroism. Lucy eventually realises why her sister no longer exists and she does.

Best Lines:
“It’s close enough.”

“Don’t speak that name out loud ever again.”

“Smell like sweat and loneliness.”

“America as we know it would be unrecognisable.”

“They killed him for it.”

“I lost my whole family.”
“Because you murdered them!”

What We Leave Behind
Prometheus wants Oliver to wish he was dead. Felicity fawns over her boy-toy and lies to him. Curtis bores. Oliver and his woman bore. Diggle doesn’t care about ret-gone baby Sara. Oliver was and is a poisonous and hateful git. He treated Tommy in a chilling loveless way. I hope Tommy is Prometheus and he is not some one note hate figure. This show is no longer consistently fun. Oliver thinks he is making a moral stand. Artemis and her GHD hair bores. This was mostly woeful.

This was not a concerted effort. Oliver has brought no safety, order or control to Star City. Curtis lies. Prometheus strikes. Thea and Felicity are fairly stroppy. Christmas is not a peaceful joyous experience. Why are they always lying to people who care about him? Oliver makes it all about him as per usual. There are flashbacks to awful season 1 Oliver. Artemis reveals herself. Felicity hinders the process. Curtis drives away the man who loves him. There are more unintended consequences for Oliver’s acts. Oliver murders someone. Diggle is arrested. Laurel’s back. Or is it Black Siren? This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“Disgusting but not illegal.”

“Terrible people.”

“In our town people who are dead turn out to be secretly alive almost every Wednesday.”

“Children Of The Corn vibe.”

“Everything you touch dies.”
Tags: arrow, flash, reign, timeless

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  • Quotes & Stuff

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