epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Review: The Lone Ranger (2013)

How can John Reid be called The Lone Ranger if he has Tonto? It’s the 1930s in the wrap-around story so where is Reid? Is he dead? Tonto has bad old age make up and a bird on his head and speaks in bizarre broken English. Tonto tells tales of his and Reid’s adventures in 1869. It involves a railway, buffalo, silver and people wearing slankets and swanchos.

Armie Hammer plays John Reid and really deserves a better career. Johnny Depp is Tonto and this was deathly boring. Depp seems unaware of tone, pitch and accent. Hey, he has makeup, a bird on his head and a silly accent. Why does he need to act or a script that makes sense? There is no concept of storytelling in this film. People act erratically and there is no veneration for this. Her from ‘The Affair’ pops up as Reid’s woman. This was not raw or real. Actors have expressions of resignation. Depp gurns and adapting a forgotten 1950s TV show was not an especially promising choice.

TPTB seem woefully oblivious as to what terrible bunkum this is. Nobody has a high moral tone. Hammer has brooding intensity and Depp thinks he is an existentialist epic or something. This was not wildly entertaining and Depp infuriates with his weird and freaky ‘actings’. This was no startling fierceness or vivid life just maddening iaction. Depp is not amiably daffy; he just has a pompous voice and a sneering smirk and makes persistent slights while being impregnably self absorbed.

Reid has a life changing experience and somehow does not die of sepsis. This has no vague unifying theme; this was just a foolish muddle with no inner life. This was an over long blight that wasn’t sombre or tasteful. This has no sadness, regret or pity, Hollywood needs to evaluate its output. Reid is agitated, Depp is insufferable which does not make him more interesting and this was meandering chaos and not fantastic, epic or awesome.

Helena Bonham Carter shows up as a whore with a gun for a leg. Reid has visions and wears a mask. There are annoying kids. William Fichtner the baddie creeps up their night. There is tackiness and this was overblown and the William Tell overture plays a plot, the end credits are unreadable and this was dreck. The 2011 ‘Husk’ was better than this.

Best Lines:
“Good man must wear mask.”

“Law and order has come to the West.”

“I would have preferred someone else.”

“I boxed at law school.”

“I would not do that.”

“Do not touch rock, rock cursed.”

“Not so much.”

“I make urine on it.”

“These two have a hard time staying dead.”

“Don’t ever do that again.”
Tags: movie review

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