epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Legend Of The Rangers + Disappearance + Eight Legged Freaks + Sisters

Babylon 5 The Legend Of The Rangers: To Live and Die in Starlight (2002)
This failed pilot stars Dylan Neal, looks cheap and has dodgy VFX, bad continuity, random G’Kar appearances, exposition dumps and a doomed ship. The Rangers come across as a mad death cult. There is random comedy and sarcastic Minbari. There are blinking, flashing, beeping lights and extreme close-ups and talking and no subtly and padding. David (Neal) is the hero and he and his ramshackle ship fly diplomats around hyperspace. The ‘weapons’ system is ridiculous and involves an actress flailing her limbs around as CGI stuff shoots out of her hands and feet.

The ship has ghosts, another race of darkness pops up, there is no mention of thirdspace and this was pure cheese. David faces off with ANOTHER race of tremendous evil. There is spastic twitching and the bridge is cheap looking. Neal is cute, the obvious baddie is obvious and this was not that flattering. It was a below adequate distraction with no texture or weight to the unreal and insubstantial VFX.

Nobody professed interest in seeing anymore of this dumbness. There is more bad acting, the baddies have a rubbish name, aliens speak English and there are silly outfits and verbose speeches and sets that look like soundstage constructions.

Best Lines:
“Then they found this.”

“They won’t throw you out, not for this.”

“Was that your head? However did that happen?”

“I serve to live.”

“I carry very large things.”

“They found a city 8 miles beneath the surface of the planet. A city billons of years old. Older than anything found before.”

“They waited. But for what?”

“Until they achieve hull-breaching capacity.”

“10% and building fast.”

“Your blood is becoming toxic.”

Disappearance (2002)
Harry Hamlin and Susan Dey star in this TV movie misfire as a couple who take their two children and their son’s friend on an ill-advised road trip. Their obvious doom isn’t much of a surprise. This has structural sparsity, a dark undisclosed past, a grim legacy and inevitable doom.

The gang visit an old mining town named Weaver abandoned in 1948. Unexplained weirdness strands them and more weirdness happens. There is bad acting and a rabid focus on weirdness. This was not strangely ambitious as they face oblivion. The town of Weaver isn’t on any maps. That isn’t a mistake, it’s a warning. There is flat effect acting as they are tormented. The mother is irritating, there is more weirdness and family issues. I hold back empathy for these morons. Hamlin shows off his armpit hair. How many people have vanished in Weaver? How has nobody noticed? This had no fiery vitality just a great deal of hinted ugliness.

Best Lines:
“Stay on the pavement.”

“Of course it’s real, it’s on tape.”

“Use it all you want.”

“There is no Weaver.”

“What’s out there now is their offspring all mutated and weird.”

Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
David Arquette, Kari Wuhrer of ‘Sliders’ and Scarlett Johansson star in this dumb movie about an arach-attack. Giant spiders rampage through Arizona and there is no nightmarish unease, this was complete nonsense. The mom (Wuhrer) won’t act in an obliging sort of way. Morally corrupt hillbillies have indifference and a conspiracy nut rants. This had no creative direction just dirt biking, lots and lots of dirt biking.

Best Lines:
“This is a town meeting not the WWF!”

“Space aliens and when they plan to invade.”

“Media induced paranoid delusional nightmares.”

“Big ass spiders.”

“Might steal a car. You want one?”

“Thanks for caring.”

“Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t following me!”

“You can’t just come in here and oppress me!”

Sisters (1973)
Not good.
Tags: babylon 5, forgotten tv pilots, movie review

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