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15 TV Reviews

Glory Days (2002) 1x02

The Devil Made Me Do It
Mike works the Gazette now. Eddie Cahill monotones. A dude is possessed. Samantha Ferris guest stars. Mike has bad grammar and big poufy hair. Nobody talks normally. Mike flirts with his ex-friend’s woman.  Hazel has an arch-nemesis. The possessed kid wanted to be a concert pianist. The sheriff sings. This was terrible and no wonder this never got a DVD release.

Best Lines:
“That sounds like fun. No.”

“As long as she hates me so will the rest of this town.”

“You used to be different.”

“Something fundamentally wrong with that statement.”

The Flash 3x03

Barry shirks work and obsesses over Iris. What a loser. Barry and Iris have a cringe worthy date. Will Joe stop pointing his gun? Jesse and Harry show up. Wally broods and Barry has an inability to offer a sincere apology. Harry utters an explanation for why Snow has frost powers. Barry is disruptive and there is a speed lab. This was not commendable or impassioned. Barry doesn’t care about the huge implications of the shattering experience he caused.

Everything Barry does is especially damning. Another metahuman has DID. Barry has treated people shamefully. He has a lack of grace and no magnanimity. Harry has defensiveness. Dante has been forgotten. Snow barely exists. Wally has insecurity and Barry needs a slap. Julian rants and Magenta is forceful. There is bad acting and Iris doesn’t seem to have a job. Bad things have originated from Barry’s dumbness. He is dark and divisive and the damning conclusion is that Barry is the villain. Snow has no engaged serenity, Jesse doesn’t listen and Alchemy (Tobin Bell) stands in the dark. Barry lies and Magenta is Carrie.

Best Lines:
“Bye bye daddy.”

“Supersonic resistance.”

“You travelled back in time again.”

“I’m sure. Not.”

“Where’s dinner?”

“This is what greets me?

“Don’t ask.”

“You girl! Stop!”

“She’s pulling a ‘Primal Fear’.”

“Maybe not good ones.”

“Dr Alchemy is a magic man in a cloak.”

“Genius. Not.”

“Inflict your pain upon others.”

“We kept getting kidnapped.”

“Is that a tanker?”

Reign 3x12

No Way Out
Gideon is susceptible to Mary’s charms. Catherine has more secrets. Mary wasn’t unhappy with plotting; she’s been to Rome and back again. Mary has brute determination to annoy. She causes strange discomfort - go back to Scotland you bint! Mary is not fortuitous and wears what looks like a toilet mat around her neck. Nobody wears a hood. Elizabeth names a successor; she never did that. Lola snots, oh die bint. Catherine preens and Mary is paralysed by her own indecision. Catherine’s creepy serial killing lover lurks. The Dowager Queen of France strolls around a bawdy house. Greer is tired of Mary. Archbishop Ridolfi lurks and Mary is awful and has every bad value a human could have.

Bash is more like Catherine than Francis ever was. Mary faces uncertainty and Lola faces Elizabeth’s peculiar kindness. Lola is inextricably stupid and there are ratty hair extensions. Dudley whines and is shamed. Dudley is told to marry Mary to provide peace. The gates of history will soon close on Mary. There are no trust based relations or constructive dialogue. Claude pouts and a masque is held. This was a ridiculous ep.

Bash recalls devil worship and Dudley whines and Gideon has unfashionable affection for Mary. There is ranting about 13 knights and Catherine rants and misconstrues. Gideon is thick; he and Mary shag and where is her army? Dudley rants about his work and there is bad acting.

Best Lines:
“The sins that I live with.”

“She was displeased.”

“Enjoy him but never trust him.”

“She’s all but lost her throne.”

“Her marriage is the last card she has to play and I intend to reach across the table and claim it as my own.”

“The only person they want less than you.”

“He lied to me and I deplore him.”

“I would be struck down in retaliation.”

“Just replace me with the next catholic in line.”

“You brought shame on all of England.”

“No one in England thinks you’re innocent.”

“Whichever gun ignites faster, fires first.”

“That possibility protects me.”

“But live.”

“That’s not a successor, that’s a replacement.”

“A relationship born in deceit, often dies there.”

Gotham 2x08

Tonight’s The Night
Barbara is crazy, Gordon has no evidence against Theo until he does and Bruce is a terrible actor. Theo plots, Gordon is dumb, Bruce is dumb and Silver lurks. Anguished faces are made. New Strike Force members how up. This ep was a useless mediocrity. Bruce has no ability to connect with or inspire people. Lee bores. Nygma bores. This was not audacious or ultimately hopeful.

Bruce aligns himself with Theo. TPTB are incapable or unwilling to entertain the end of the liberal order. There are bad judgement calls and no dire implications. Bruce is strangely unbothered by the sinister cartel that runs Wayne Enterprises. Bruce and his stony glare does not leave terror in his wake. Morally indefensible and morally depraved things happen. This was not pertinent as preventable bad things happen. Barbara has big hair and why did Theo keep the old mayor alive? There are no massive consequences.

Best Lines:
“His sudden death would upset Bruce.”

“Dabble in darkness.”

“He won’t laugh long.”

“Lawless thuggery.”

“What is wrong with these people?”

“You don’t belong here anymore.”

“It’s a game you’ve been losing.”

“For a secluded forest, this place sure has a lot of foot traffic.”

“You see an abyss and you run toward it.”

“I’ll find a way to way to win.”

Poltergeist The Legacy 1x14-1x22 Rewatch

Fox Spirit
Derek gets some. A woman caked in makeup haunts Chinatown. No.

The Bell Of Girardius
There is bad acting and a zombie, which Derek fist fights. This was terrible.

Bones Of St Anthony
Victor Arkadi (Alan Rachins) is a nemesis of the Legacy. He was never seen again after this ep. It was not a high honour or a distinct privilege to see this. Arkadi is full of unrivalled ugliness. He is incoherent and deranged. A dumb nun dies. People violently disagree. This was simplistic and dumb, with overacting. A demon has been cloned from a horn. What is Derek and Arkadi’s history? The Cairo House has been destroyed.

Best Line:
“I’m not asking you to think.”

The Dark Priest
Idiots rob the Legacy. There is another attack on the Legacy House. Ill-fortune is brought down. Ill favour falls on this ep. There is no quiet contentment.

The Thirteenth Generation
Silver fox Derek is hot. A witch’s curse affects Laurie Holden and Art Hindle. Derek murders a guy with an antique silver crucifix. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Let all who pass this way beware.”

“Much done in the name of Christ is less than Christian.”

The Signalman
Kevin Kilner is tormented by a crisis apparition. No.

Best Line:
“To see it isn’t to prove it.”

The Inheritance
Rachel dresses like a hooker at a funeral and goes to a southern town to be menaced and where weird crap happens. No.

The Reckoning
There is talking and Zelda Rubinstein. Hell no to this ep. There is no villain cred in this ep as the baddie of the week impales Derek with his own sword and he just walks it off.

A Traitor Among Us
Derek is accused of wanting to bring ruin and death to the Legacy House. This was a clip show as Derek broods. There is a twist and grovelling apologies.

Best Lines:
“Since before the time of the Druids.”

“I will throw him out of here myself.”

Legends Of Tomorrow 2x02

The Justice Society Of America
The whinge-o-rama continues. New guy is the grandson of some hero. The JSA are unimpressed by the wilfully obdurate Legends who do not act in a measured and responsible way. This was another in a dreary succession of eps. There are no bleak consequences and new guy is unassailably boring. The Legends are toxic with mad looks in their eyes. The baddies have mild affront and this was not potent. Sara refuses to compromise. Stein sings. The JSA take a hostile stance. This was unwaveringly bad and new guy is a haemophiliac. The irresponsible losers rampage and Stein is pathetic. There is bad acting and the Legion of Doom lurk.

Best Lines:
“I’m not a Nazi!”

“I don’t know you, any of you.”

“I fell after my grandfather decked me.”

“Hard for people to look at their future.”

“I do what I do so others wouldn’t have to.”

“Training in edged weapon combat.”

“What is that?”

Close To The Enemy (2016) 1x01
This was a horribly boring tale set in the UK in 1946. Jim Sturgess, Alfie Allen, Angela Bassett and Alfred Molina star. Irritating people prepare for the cold war while shrugging off war crimes. This was episode 1 of 7. An annoying kid shrieks, a dude is mad and people talk endlessly. This was wooden and so very SLOW.

Best Lines:
“I don’t speak English.”

“Burning stuff already?”

“Wins whatever’s going to happen next.”
Tags: flash, gotham, legends of tomorrow, reign, review

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