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Grim Ferrytale
This cancelled suspense thriller came from Kevin Williamson who gave us ‘Scream’, ‘Scream 2’, ‘The Following’ and ‘Scream 4’. It stars Eddie Cahill of ‘Conviction’, Poppy Montgomery, Emily VanCamp of ‘Revenge’, Theresa Russell of ‘Wild Things’ and Frances Fisher of ‘The Lyon’s Den’.

Mike (Cahill) wrote a book featuring his island home Glory as a really creepy place as he explains in exposition to a bimbo on the ferry. There are silly opening credits and you can apparently orca watch off Glory. A dude falls or is pushed off the boat. The sheriff has a permanent grimace like he has untreated TMJ and is Mike’s ex-friend. There is no sincere emotion and strange things are afoot on Glory.

Mike has a sister (VanCamp) who has a very 90s nose ring. The local waitress (Russell) glares. Mike is sure his dad’s death wasn’t an accident. Hazel has a troublesome son and Mike’s mom (Fisher) throws printer ink in his face. Mike is not popular. Mike’s sister acts bizarrely and the sheriff’s woman (Montgomery) uses Mike’s dad old shack as her office/lab. She is the town coroner. Nobody talks normally.

‘Scream 2’ is copiously ripped off. Mike annoys and owns a third of the island newspaper as his dad left it to the new editor. Is that how it works? I can see why this show did not achieve near mythical cult status. Dumb teens play a dumb card game. There is bad acting and who is the baddie again and why? There are teens in peril and a bad fight scene. WTF happened? Dunno. No wonder this only lasted 9 eps.

Best Lines:
“Bam. Dead.”

“Island of weird.”

“Fountain urination.”

“You made me out to be unbalanced and bipolar.”

“Peeing in a town water fountain.”

“Disgrace dad’s memory some more.”

“Does he know we don’t own it anymore?”

“Accomplished or wannabe?”

“Was that a sexy voice attempt?”

“Your help is not needed.”

“I sort of accidentally stole them.”

“What killer?”

“Cheap plotting and bad ideas.”

“Not some murder she wrote plot point.”

“That’s what dead dads do.”

Barry visits Felicity, why? I hate her; she stole Laurel and Tommy’s places on ‘Arrow’. Barry can’t cognately articulate. This episode is an arguable case for Barry’s selfishness. Tom Fleton pops up as Barry’s co-worker who rightfully hates him. Joe won’t apologise for his crap, Barry has scant regard for others just confusion and anxiety at Iris not boffing him yet and Singh is back not that Barry cares. Cisco’s brother Dante is dead. Barry doesn’t care. Cisco gets over it, just because. The timeline is different. Diggle’s son has replaced baby Sara. Barry erased baby Sara. But he’s resilient.

I wish Felicity would shut up, lord I hate her. Barry’s predictable reaction is only to care about Iris. Edward is haunted by Alchemy and emits baleful cries. People are appalled at Barry’s selfishness. Julian (Felton) dislikes and distrusts Barry who mutters and shrugs. Barry is the world’s most useless CSI. The fun atmosphere of season 1 is long gone. There is nothing to admire and love here.

Barry has no eloquence and integrity and never listens to other people’s opinions. There are significant obstacles to enjoyment. Why didn’t Barry save Dante? Edward becomes The Rival and rampages. This was an unwieldy conceit. Barry is so propretorial over Iris and being a right fighter. This was intolerably bad. Barry tries to change the timeline again. So Jay Garrick and his eyesore of a bright costume stops him.

Barry is smug, The Rival dies and we see Earth3 where the song Runaway Train plays and it is 1998 and ‘Dawson’s Creek’ is on TV. Barry is instinctively unpleasant. Iris won’t leave. Cisco is angry at the selfish Barry. Dante will be rapidly forgotten I’m sure. Barry is not disarmingly frank and is the worst and gets away with everything. He makes out with Iris and flashpoint is shrugged off. Who is Alchemy (Tobin Bell)? Alchemy is quietly, coldly, brutally effective. Snow is Killer Frost now. Nice going Barry.

Best Lines:
“I wanted a new life.”

“I made things worse.”

“Not so subtle reaction.”

“We’re not gods, we’re men.”

“Now you want to be there for me?”

“Fully intact human pelt.”

Mary is blasted by John Knox. Why hasn’t she gone back to Scotland yet? No wonder they don’t want her. Catherine preens and I don’t think the phrase inter-faith marriage existed in this time. Mary snots and mentions an infirmary, which wouldn’t exist then either. There is a bad child actress. Elizabeth plots. A lemur and a camel prance around. Bash bores. Mary is impetuous and the English ambassador is despondent. History is wildly misrepresented. Lola cannot be reasoned with. Catherine’s lover plots. Lola is horrible and there is more bad acting.

Cecil is defamed by TPTB. This ep was arduous. Lola is unappeasable. Catherine’s lover turns out to the boring serial killer Bash has been looking for. Charles is so nice when he wasn’t. Charles is crowned in the castle not in the cathedral in Paris. Nothing here is inspirational. Narcisse sneers. Mary plans war against John Knox, making war on her own people would in time cost her the throne. Knox would outlive Mary. Elizabeth didn’t turn England protestant, her father and brother did. Mary acts to her discredit.

Best Lines:
“Find yourself without a country to go back to.”

“Her wife murdering lover.”

“Bring shame upon you.”

“Dispose of unwanted problems.”

“Youth and daring.”

Halloween Blues
Chad’s will is read. Chanel is blue and yelly. Hester is loose. The Trumps are insulted. There is no intense focus and there is mutual enmity and inevitable mistakes. This was perennially unimaginative. Chanel 5 and Denise are the next victims. This episode had no redeeming merits. I think I’m done.

Best Lines:
“Having sex with you was like banging a disinterested piece of plywood.”

“Ugly cow fans.”

“Malnourished Victorian paper boy.”

“I’m the script for ‘Batman v Superman’.”
“You look like a bloody mess.”

Mommy’s Little Monster
Butch rebels. Penguin’s momma dies. Nygma’s crisis bores. Theo, Tabitha and Silver do nothing whilst being a trifecta of awfulness. This ep was not pertinent. There is conflict and Theo is a passive player opponent. Harvey Dent shows up again. Social glue crumbles. This was not compelling. Selina bores and has been superseded in Bruce’s heart by the orange Silver. Bruce makes dumb assumptions cos he is dumb. There are guns and Gordon is on to Theo’s crazy. Penguin attacks and there is death and Riddler likes nearly getting caught. No.

Best Lines:
“You stole my dead girlfriend!”

“You’re a piece of gutter trash.”

“Scurry from the light of decency.”

Conviction (2016 - 2017) 1x01

‘Agent Carter’ was axed for this crap? The coked up slut Hayes is made head of the Conviction Integrity Unit. She’s so brilliant as everyone says and is a teacher who screws students and is entitled and has no respect. She’s also a former First Daughter. She’s played by Hayley Atwell. Her sexy nemesis is the DA (Eddie Cahill) who she treats like dirt and one of her ill-treated co-workers is Shawn Ashmore.

Hayes is lazy and selfish and doesn’t do any work. Her mother despairs of her. Her lard ass brother lives with her. Oh how very Lannister of them. John Kapelos of ‘Forever Knight’ and ‘The Craft’ pops up as a cop. Everyone goes on and on and on about how wonderful Hayes is, but she is a terrible awful person. People have non-compelling backstories and this was badly written and was terrible. People yell, there is bad acting and I read spoilers and I think I’m done with Hayes and her toxic attitude. This was startlingly botched.

Best Lines:
“Not big on no.”

“This colour makes me look like I have HPV.”

“An ultimatum. How familiar.”

“Pumped up on rage inducing drugs.”

“The campus bike.”


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