epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

Movie Review: The Harvesting (2016)

Amish teenagers lurk and don’t act or talk like they’re Amish. An Amish boy gets an axe and massacres people as another teen stands idly by. A city couple face therapy speak and head off to the countryside in this mumblecore horror. The couple and their 2 kids go to Amish country for the summer. Dad wears brown shoes and does not display polish. The Amish stare and one has an obviously fake beard.

The urbanised kids whine. There are woods and I’ve no idea what is going on. What is out there in the woods that the Amish won’t speak of? The frozen faced mother won’t listen. She is the cause of all the family issues. The mother has a face full of botox and can’t move her facial muscles. Watching her try and fail to emote is hilarious. There is a lot of staring.

The son huffs and dad chops wood in the summer. The bum faced mother doesn’t apologise. The Amish yell. The mother has unspecified misery and the dad yells. I haven’t the slightest enthusiasm for this mess. This isn’t good weird like ‘Disappearance’. The mother screeches uselessly and I’ve no idea what is going on. The characters are underwritten pop-up parts. This was boring and I felt some unjustified confidence in this in the beginning but this film was mortifyingly bad.

The parents have an inability to engage in anything except disconcerting yelling. This was not evocative. There are dire warnings that nobody listens to and self-destructive urges in this derisive mess. The mother mumbles and has cold sweetness. The kids act oddly. There are vast swathes of fieldly things and what happened? I don’t know as this was incomprehensible and lacked any icy current of threat.

Best Lines:
“Solstice is coming.”

“God’s will is God’s will.”

“They have a habit of doing that.”

“This is your fault.”

“You have been running this family into the ground.”

“I don’t want to hear any more from you."

“To keep this from the world.”

“Clear your mind of all tainted thoughts.”

“Nobody loves you.”

“I’ll go pray.”
“We all need to be doing that now.”
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