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6 TV Reviews

Alphas (2011 - 2013) 1x01-1x03
This horrible show exists in the same universe as the lame ‘Eureka’ and the limp ‘Warehouse 13’. Impossible is what they do best, allegedly.

This was inelegant. Some bearded bohemian intellectual named Rosen (David Strathairn, looking like Jeremy Corbyn left out in the rain) and his middle class morality does exposition dumps. People with inexplicable powers are in a special contingency group. This was an unpromising start to a rubbish show. Rosen wears budgie smugglers. Don (Callum Keith Rennie) is his DOD liaison or something.

This generated no awestruck excitement. Daniel Kash of ‘Due South’ pops up as the father of Rachel. There is a rejection of conventional society. Rosen and his gang, one of whom is Rachel have their HQ in a strip mall. People mumble and Gary babbles endlessly. People talk down outdated phones. Don is orange and mumbles about Red Flag.

The gang are incompetent. Cameron is an idiot. You don’t care about these characteristically eccentric twits. Bill is obtrusive. I don’t care about them and their lamentations. There is no easy warmth. Don mumbles about ghost files. Rosen’s serenity bores. This leaves one with a constant hum of discontent. These idlers have no latent moral edge. There is a tremendously seedy baddie. This was an outright failure. This was all empty drabness. Gary instigates fights and this was gross sensationalistic incompetence.

Best Lines:
“People are asking questions to which answers are scarce.”

“You eating grass again?”

“I don’t eat shrubs.”

“How do we end it?”

“You weren’t breastfed were you?”

“It’s not a short  list.”

“You drink beer for breakfast?”

“It’s called being a crackhead.”

“I’m complicated that way.”

“Why do I feel I’m in a Beckett play when I talk to you?”
“I don’t know who that is.”

Cause and Effect
More people impose their will on others. The bad opening credits debut. Valerie Cruz of ‘The Dresden Files’ and ‘Hidden Palms’ pops up as an unpleasant women. The gang have a new office. This has no effervescent charm or delightful frothy wit. This was not quietly devastating and has no sophisticated urban wit or madcap shenanigans. A wooden guest star who talks like the speaking clock menaces Rosen. He has false notions and looks like a poor man’s Karl Urban.

Gary bores and there are no free thinking intellectuals and the gang are not crushingly different. Rosen has shaved his beard off. The script hinders relaxed conversation. There are no flaming tensions just angry pumped up men who are fundamentally irrational. There are no moral dilemmas. This was profusely awful. What’s going on at the Alpha nuthouse? Nina the mind raper whines. She’s the slutty and hedonistic one. Rachel is the wet rag boring one. Rosen is in peril, again. The baddie has trigger points. What about Bill’s hearing as mentioned in 1x01? Is the baddie du jour dead?

Best Lines:
Persecutory delusions.”

“What I made him do.”

“He assumes malevolent purpose.”

“What am I denying?”

“I’m sorry the building burnt down.”

“And then there’s that.”

Anger Management
Gary is seriously annoying. People should have a collective wariness of Alphas. This gang is not an effective force. Mahershalalhashbaz Ali guest stars. This ep was not innovative. Cameron’s ex is evil, cos well hey. People try to modify their self image. An Alpha can trigger riots. There is campy comedy in this cover your eyes disaster of an ep. This was an abysmal misfire of muggy melodrama. This had no nicely calibrated energy or emotion. This was incredibly dull. Manically chipper Gary is not emotionally true.

This had no vague menace. The ditz-brains have no ethics or integrity. People are capricious and recalcitrant. This was not socially provocative or glossy or smart. This was all fundamental pettiness. Don is killed off and this was crap.

Best Line:
“You need to shoot it.”

The Fugitive (2000 - 2001) 1x02

The Hand Of A Stranger
Kimble walks around muttering madly and wearing mom jeans. He does slo-mo walking and is in another small town and staring. There is no real sense of interest. Kimble has a sister (Connie Britton) who drawls. People talks urgently down pay phones. Kimble demands cash to exist in his harsh reality. His sister talks like a phone sex operator. Gerard hunts Kimble and fights off negativity.

Kimble isn’t wistful as he hunts the one armed man (Stephen Lang). He gets mugged and hit by a car. People aren’t open to any rational discussion. A hick is slack jawed. This has no powerful allure and is not a gallant contribution to TV. This was a grotesquely horrible dismal failure.

Best Lines:
“Send cash and don’t use your real name.”

“The wit and wisdom of your co-workers.”

“It got bad. Real bad.”

“You don’t work, no food.”

Reign 3x01

Three Queens, Two Tigers
It’s all impressive sunniness at the Valois court, which only fans the flames of Mary’s self-regard. Francis resolutely annoys. This was not wildly distinct. In England, Elizabeth I plots, well maybe Mary should not have laid claim to her throne. Catherine and Liz I plot. Where are Elizabeth’s Ladies In Waiting? Catherine wants to trigger a domestic crisis for Mary. Is Elizabeth I covered in fake tan? Elizabeth (Rachel Skarsten of ‘Birds Of Prey’ whose acting has improved since that show) tries to survive in an atomised bad tempered world.

A tiger is walked around, a pirate shows up and brothel madame Greer is allowed at court. Where is Mary’s dog? Disingenuous Mary thinks she bristles with integrity. There is stupidity. Lord Dudley has idealistic passion and he and his wife Amy do karaoke acting. This up was pretty implausible and not dark or gripping.

Nobody has real dreams, ambitions or regrets. Lola bores, as always. Elizabeth feigns modesty. This was a slowly unfolding disappointment. Francis and Lola fawn over their bastard child as he sexually belittles her. Mary wears eye-searing dresses. Where is Nostradamus? Mary has agonised discomfort. Francis is dying of the ear-ache. Is he has a fatal brain abscess - how is walking around looking male model like? Where are Mary’s Guise uncles? Ruling is a worrisome responsibility - Mary should be non-provocative and have independence and dignity.

Francis is a dwindling asset for Mary. Charles will be King soon. Francis and Mary go boating somewhere that isn’t near Paris. Greer ignores her imprisoned husband and stepchildren. Charles shows up. Bash broods and stares at dead crows in his crappy sub-plot. The Valois brothers were not close and behaved tyrannically. Lola bathes in her shift and belittles herself again for what Narcisse is offering. This was beleaguered and nobody cares about reputation damage. This was a dull account of seismic years.

Greer is found wanting. There is bad acting and bad green screen. Elizabeth I has messy hair. Catherine is subjected to extreme rendition. People are fairly derogatory to Elizabeth I and TPTB dismiss the virgin queen myth. There are anachronisms and Amy Dudley is at court being a plotting slut when she wasn’t at court. Mary has small absurd areas of conflict with Catherine. This was mindless.

Best Lines:
“You are nobody’s first choice.”

“Forced by her own countrymen off her throne and no longer capable of reaching for yours.”

“I’m careful in all things.”

“You have read my letters. I hope you didn’t skip the dirty bits.”

“A trail of evil.”

“Scotland’s queen will fall.”

“I forbid your union.”

“You have my attention.”

“I know about the whorehouse.”

“You like me in baths.”

“A sinful queen.”

“I am England’s Queen and those who seek to replace me with suffer my wrath.”

Containment 1x07

Decadence and dissolution take place. People yell and feel somewhat afraid. Drama does not create discussion. There are no contentious themes. Lex whines and isn’t necessarily popular. There is a basic disconnect from sense. Things are untenable. Nobody has any class. This ep was not a dismaying glimpse at ever-encroaching trouble. Jana’s workplace comes under attack from meth-heads. People are ugly at each other.

This was a soporific portrayal of a bad situation. A bitter conflict erupts. The stupid teenager couple ignore the mother’s justified anxiety. Nothing feels unsafe for them on a basic level. Are undisclosed interests at work? Jana and her fierce opinions bores. Interest is seeping away. Lex and his father are not renowned for their lifelong bond. There is an implicit reliance on idiot ball plotting. Lex is an idiot some more. Pregnant teen has self-contentment at her own crap. Worst episode ever.

Best Lines:
“Peach wine coolers.”

“Healthy society.”

“Smoke chemicals and you explode.”

“It’s a free country, at least it was.”


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