epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Ordinary Decent Criminal + Spy + 3 others

Ordinary Decent Criminal (2000)
There are bad Irish accents in this based on a true story movie. Linda Fiorentino, Kevin Spacey, Helen Baxendale, Patrick Malahide and Colin Farrell star. Michael Lynch (a pseudonym for a real-life deceased Irish criminal) thinks he is Robin Hood. He is infamous and an attention seeker. The dialogue is muffled and this is not as funny as it thinks it is. Lynch has relationships with 2 sisters. The cops are morons. This was overly idealistic and has novelty bias. Lynch likes his hand money and is portrayed as a comic-relief creation living an unexpectedly blissful life. Spacey sports a horrendous wig in a flashback scene. Lynch is imperturbable and is viewed with martyred romanticism despite his bad faith. This was not good and the ending was ridiculous.

Best Lines:
“Bearded ex-hippies.”

“Do you get the feeling I don’t believe you Tom?”

“Do your own robbing.”

“What the f##k is Michael Lynch doing at a 17th century Italian art exhibition?”

“Wipe my hole with it.”

Spy (2015)
Analyst Susan Cooper (Melissa McCarthy) goes into the field after her assy crush (Jude Law) is presumed killed in the line of duty by a bad woman named Rayna (Rose Byrne). Susan’s Q seems to hate her. Everyone seems to be of lower intellectual calibre and they seem to have no grasp of international issues. This was not energetic. Everything in this film is an impediment to enjoyment. There is blatant self-interest and liars and manipulators who are arrogant and only interested in their own profit. There is no physical security just tense stares and gruff urgent dialogue.

Nobody has reticence. There’s violence and set-pieces but no emotionality. This was not sound and elegant just evil and horrible. There are serial violations of sense. There are no tangible consequences and no honest depictions. There is no natural flair just coarse humour. This was abrasive and unfunny. All the characters are idiots and or maniacs. The plot doesn’t stand up to rational analysis.

Susan befriends Rayna. There is no big triumphant moment and the plot is eminently unsound. There are fake accents, fights, a twist, slow-motion, wildly obvious stunt doubles, green screen, Miranda Hart, Alison Janney, Morena Baccarin, Jason Statham, Bobby Cannacale and Peter Serafinowicz. This had bad songs and just sucked.

Best Lines:
“Could this hotel be more murder-y?”

“You smell like a dead hooker that washed up on the beach and then roasted in the sun for a week before anybody found her body.”

“I would accept that with an open mouth.”

“The instructor was unharmed.”

“You’re eating a hand towel.”

“Kill mission.”

“Track and report.”

“Telecom trunk.”

“I don’t really want to.”

“Martha Stewart had a breakdown kind of feel.”

“I drove a car off a freeway on top of train. While I was on fire. Not the car. I was on fire.”
“Jesus, you’re intense.”

“Nothing kills me. I’m immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison ingesting crime ring.”

“I’m not sure what their intentions were.”

“You fainted just long enough for us to laugh at you.”

“That guy doesn’t deserve a throat.”

“So boring and tacky.”

“I’m riddled with disappointment.”

“Which is the worst by the way. Poor people everywhere and cabbages constantly cooking.”

“I can send someone to burn them.”

“Thank god, your hair broke your fall.”

“I’ll show you ways to die you never even dreamed of.”

“Do not talk to me. You’re not my friend.”

“Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?”

Beaches (1988)

Soul Surfer (2011)
This Kevin Sorbo crap is sappy and has no impact zone.

[Rec]3: Genesis (2012)
At a wedding in Spain, people talk and film and talk and film. And then a guest turns zombie and everyone goes rabid. No.
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