epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

The Musketeers 3x05 Reviewed

To Play The King
It is the Dauphin’s 6th birthday party and a prison break takes place. Louis has nothing resembling gratitude and dresses like a pimp. Feron has anguish and despair. Louis gives people a chilling reception and the Dauphin is over-flattered. Prisoners escapes and refugee woman trouble stirs. The desperately feeble Feron plots. This is a lazy lazy story. The musketeers pick childish arguments with the Red Guard. There is volatility and Paris is a despotic hellscape. This doesn’t manage even accidental poignancy.

Constance and her ridiculous ‘uniform’ bores. The Dutch lurk. Baddies try to rob a vault under the prison. Treville sticks his nose in, in ill-advised rash ways. Athos shags refugee woman. Dumas rolls in his grave. The Dauphin wears a bad wig and looks like the evil midget from ‘Don’t Look Now’. Anne of Austria and her Spanish pride is all mendacity and is contemptible and odiously ill-mannered. Her jeers must be stilled. There are no terrifying moments and nobody cares about Feron’s sad lonely existence.

Constance’s hand-wringing annoys. She’s an odious twat/hellish harridan and I wish she had been executed in season 2. This is a bleak vision of a rotting system. Anne of Austria is increasingly unhappy and Louis is terribly sad. Peter Capaldi must be grateful he got out of this when he did. Where is Mazarin? Feron’s level of aggression reaches new heights. Downright sinister things happen. The musketeers are boring earnest leads. Feron and co are trying to steal the King’s gold reserves from the vault. TPTB have no valid aesthetic aim. D’artagnan’s sub-plot does not justify its existence or posit a scenario where its existence would be justified.

The script is delinquent and this episode is punishingy uneventful. Constance prances around on her whore hopper shoes annoying everyone. This ep is not transportive. One wishes this show were better acted. Bad people have bad intent. The unwashed Feron is violent and dresses in dirty chic. This is not brutal or compelling or ever up-lifting. Anne of Austria is somewhat unpopular with Louis and his growing belligerence. The musketeers are not nice and friendly just into punitive violence, anger and disenchantment. Baddies creates casualties and destruction. This doesn’t even have a half-arsed attempt at cohesion. Feron is ill-served.

There are smug expressions and totally laughable plot ‘twists’ in this utter drivel. There is a nagging persistent feeling that season 3 has no emotional connection and is a dead trend. The costumes are not wearable art and the characters are unbearable. Nobody has cold class or is hilariously vile. The actors have no energetic enthusiasm in their unhappy circumstances. Poisonous politics and malicious non-wit dominate the court. Cultural machismo and the capacity for stupid define the foursome.

The court is a distant shining citadel that the Paris citizens can never access. There are neither debonair villains nor a Beckettin sense of absurdity. D’artagnan is grim and gormless. The plot is tragically depressing. Concrete is walked on. The climax is all staginess and Sturm und Drang. There is no martial pathos. Anne of Austria and Louis wear tacky low-rent crowns. Aramis has shameless gall. There is no compassion or attentiveness to human minutiae. Aramis is in the palace and then he isn’t - just one example of the bad editing on show in this ep. This ep is not finely wrought. A nutter has mental torment and there is a risible attempt at depravity and exuding malevolence. Actual extras stroll around. The Dauphin sits on his own little throne. Anne of Austria is menaced by a man in psychological dissolution. Then it finally ends.

Best Lines:
“The King doesn’t care about what is happening out there.”

“I’m fighting for the wrong side.”

“I should kill you now.”

“Those four will not stand in my way again.”

“Still peddling sedition.”

“The unfortunate state of his marriage.”

“Something very wrong about today.”

“Feron will be finished.”

“Something rotten is at work here.”

“Possibly a Spanish queen as regent when we are at war with Spain.”

“Bring everything you hold most dear crashing down.”

“You vermin!”
Tags: musketeers

Comments for this post were disabled by the author