epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: Transformers: Age Of Extinction + Machete Kills + Rock Of Ages

Transformers: Age Of Extinction (2014)
This sequel stars people who have no business being in this film. There is a mention of the Battle of Chicago, pouty women in short shorts, an obvious Irish accent and barely any dinobots. There is a business called KSI, fighting, Marky Mark and rampant sexism. This was not valid and important.

Best Lines:
“You stole mouthwash?”

“Giant alien warship.”

“You are so grounded.”

“Give or take an eon.”

“It’s the American thing to do.”

“That was like a while ago, even in Texas.”

“Grab my stick!”

“Would an alien killing machine let me do that?”

Machete Kills (2013)
This sequel is much less classy. The POTUS (Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen) orders Machete to do something. Jessica Alba gets shot in the head. Amber Heard and her lady’s nest prances. The acting is all robotic mundanity. Lady Gaga and Mel Gibson run
around. This had no density or complexity. This was not eloquent or thoughtful. Everyone is wrapped in their own miseries. This was unenjoybale and full of repugnant personalities. It ends on a cliffhanger.

Best Line:
“The next bimbo who spreads like butter.”

Rock Of Ages (2012)
This jukebox musical is set in 1987. Everyone bursts into song and somehow everyone knows the lyrics. Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin and Catherine Zeta-Jones mug furiously. This unmanageably turgid film has dizzying hollowness. It’s not active and vibrant. It has duff plotting, a contrived quality, overindulgence and irksomeomly bad singing. This fails to show the ignominious depths of Hollywood in the 80s. People want to clean up the strip and they have societal proscriptions against rock music. This loud and abrasive film was full of manjokes.

Best Lines:
“Did you just sigh audibly?”

“A man who blew off the half-time show at the superbowl to attend a satanic ritual.”
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