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11 TV Reviews

Agent Carter 2x10

Hollywood Ending
Whitney Frost rampages. Howard Stark shows up to overact. What is the zero matter? There is ridiculous dialogue and dangling plot lines. The gangster changes sides. Peggy lickarses Jarvis and puts Jack down because she’s petty like that. Ana is superfluous to requirements. Jack does stuff. People just show up. Cheap looking SFX ruin the climax. Whitney’s lost her mind and is in a loony bin. Jarvis and Ana fawn over Peggy. Daniel and Peggy kiss. Someone shoots Jack and none of this will ever be resolved. This was dull and a miserable end to this show.

Best Lines:
“Pick a direction and run.”

“She’s a two time Oscar nominee!”

“Cavorting with loose women.”

“I built it. Badly as it turns out.”

Legends Of Tomorrow 1x14

River Of Time
There are more flashbacks to the past that nobody cares about. Rip seeks his ultimate vindication and an emotional commitment to his latent homosexual conflict with Savage. This ep was terrible and full of wildly unsuitable actors. This had no gloriously dry wit and Rip screws up so very very much.

Savage has had dozens of children who’ve died. Savage looks like he’s been sleeping in a dumpster. Rip screams. Carter is a brainwashed lump of roids. Sara still doesn’t know her sister is dead. Stein snots. I strenuously object to having to sit through this. There is babble about temporal radiation exposure and quantum retro causality.

Rip is purposely and premeditatedly awful. Felicity shows up in flashback to annoy. Ray is Carter’s placeholder. Kendra can’t act. They’re all in the muck-hole of history. Stein is a jackass. There is yelling, slo-mo, the vanishing point, General Order 52 and a big reveal about the Time Masters and Savage taking the long view of history. This was terrible in every single way.

Best Lines:
“You showed a caveman fire.”

“Have you spoken with your sister Laurel lately?”

“He stole that happiness.”

“Weakness masquerading as goodness.”

“You bumbling idiot.”

“Savage and his brainwashed crony.”

“Vandal Savage! Destroyer of Empires!”
“Leonard Snart! Robber of ATMs!”

Colony 1x09

Zero Day
It is Day 366 and Chinese lanterns are launched. The Redhats object to the unauthorised gathering leading to riots and dead Redhats. Beau and Will spew BS at Snyder. Broussard and Katie hang out. Katie whines and does arrogant head-tossing. It seems the aliens confiscated art. Nolan (Adrian Pasdar) sleazes and the wife wants Maddie to clean the kitchen. Snyder worries about his job.

Thora Birch guest stars as a Resistance member. The aliens had the metros shut down. Maddie plays the wife. Will and Beau walk around the wreckage of an interrupted wedding and see where all the cars ended up. Don’t the Redhats have ballistics? The unsealed tunnel has been found. The Resistance fail to notice that they kill humans and not aliens.

There is talk of someone called Hyperion coming. The Resistance are smug and Katie is a bitch. Will is planning to escape but his emotional vampire wife ruins that. Nolan is targeted by Snyder but Maddie has set the wife up to be dragged off by Redhats. Oh, cold. Katie discovers Gracie’s religious book. Katie rejects sense, Will lets Katie have it and she fakes tears. Beau escapes and the Resistance attack a train and Hyperion seems to be one of the aliens. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Fought my way across town.”

“You want me to clean your kitchen?”

“Fully behind you.”
“With daggers in hand.”

“So that’s where they all went.”

“Make sure you miss.”

“Full disclosure in both directions.”

The Catch 1x02

The Real Killer
I don’t care about flashbacks to Christopher and Lip Lass aka Alice. This isn’t hot or sexy. Lip Lass has stolen property in her home. People say Christopher still loves Lip Lass. The case du jour is a man acquitted of killing his much older wife for his money. He is married to a journalist who followed his case. This is an obvious riff on ‘Serial’ as the couple claim to want Lip Lass to find the real killer. Lip Lass dresses like a 1960s era Priscilla Presley. Christopher smarms as he cons and steals. Who is their benefactor?

Christopher stalks Lip Lass despite being with Margo for 15 years. Margo is an evil woman. In a non-twist the toyboy is the killer. This ep was okay but unsubtle as toyboy/wife number 2 mirror Christopher and Lip Lass. Christopher and Margo are drama filled psychos pulling a boring con. Agent Dao bores. A stolen painting is important. There is a bug and the fate of the murdered woman’s son is never resolved.

Best Line:
“Take people’s money for a living.”

“He’s not a murderer anymore.”

“Mostly waited tables and taught spin classes.”

“Maybe he was stuck in court.”
“Or in somebody else’s vagina.”

“Makes us vulnerable to sin.”

American Horror Story Coven 3x08-3x13

The Sacred Taking
Queenie’s joined up with Marie. Fiona’s dying. Luke is abused by his crazy mother. Cordelia rants. The witches plot. People try to drive Fiona to suicide. Spalding’s ghost pops up. There is gunfire and nothing here to care about.

Best Lines:
“War is coming and you’re going to lose.”

“I’ve been buying in bulk from North Korea for years.”

“Being the supreme isn’t something to wish for.”

Witch hunting is a legacy system with silver bullets apparently. Marie is a belligerent idiot. The witch hunters are a corporation of smug serial killers and they are the ones who attacked Cordelia. Myrtle rants. Everything that happens is always undone. Luke’s mother rants. Queenie makes LaLaurie watch all 8 hours of ‘Roots’. Luke’s mother and her ridiculous plot bores. Fiona fixes Kyle. Hank attacks Marie and commits a massacre. Finally Hank is dead. Luke’s mother murders him. This was mediocre.

Best Line:
“Hiding out as a hippie swamp rat.”

The Magical Delights Of Stevie Nicks
Marie has homicidal thoughts. Secrets are revealed and slaps are dealt out. The secret of Marie’s immortality is revealed. Stevie Nicks shows up playing herself. This pseudo-community fail to recognise and meet needs. Nobody is inherently dangerous. Fiona rants, Madison buries Misty alive and Nan kills Luke’s mother. Fiona tries to make a deal with Papa Legba (Lance Reddick). There is a murder and this was okay.

Best Lines:
“If you want him bad enough, he’ll hear you.”

“No refusal, ever.”

“She’s innocent, mostly.”

Protect The Coven
This was only marginally less crap than other eps. Queenie shows up not dead. LaLaurie and Fiona are belligerent manifestations of atavistic rage. There are dark and evil goings on. This was not camp and glossy darned fun. LaLaurie stews. This was stultifying and the show’s off the peg mythology makes no sense. Disinterested viewers will not find anything remotely lucid in this indifferent ep. Just generic soulless, incoherent tedium and wretchedness.

There is no contemporary social realism. LaLaurie degrades and debases and inflicts tedious indignities. There are no big emotional punches or tricksy charm or eloquent subtlety. Sour faced Madison has chilly inflexibility. There is no truthful response or energy or lived experiences. Queenie is belligerent and associates Cordelia with moral and intellectual failure and openly derides her. Cordelia self harms and there is a meeting. The axeman kills the hate element. Nobody has any honesty or self analysis. There is bizarre logic, disruptive and irreversible events. I felt severe distain for this. People have a feeling of injustice and disquiet. Anger circulates and Zoë is selfish, again.

Best Lines:
“His purpose was righteous.”

“You left your dirt in the commode.”

“Sex-stained sheets.”

“Don’t you care at all?”
“Have you met me?”

“It’s unsavoury.”

“Madison, you are worst kind of Hollywood cliché: a bobblehead with crotchless panties!”

Go To Hell
Queenie hangs out with Papa Legba. LaLaurie is the big bad or so she thinks. She rejects redemption. The axeman is allowed to wander free. Misty is rescued and she and Madison brawl. The axeman dies, again. LaLaurie, her daughters and Marie are in hell being tormented by Papa Legba for eternity. This was not good.

Best Lines:
“Your hell’s on earth.”

“It’s not safe to love my mother.”

The Seven Wonders
Stevie Nicks wanders and sings. There is a competition to see who the new supreme is. Misty is stuck in her hell and dies. Inevitably hurtful things happen. Zoë dies and Madison unleashes her full awfulness. There is muttering about the Great Ascension. Kyle strangles Madison. Zoë lives. Spalding lurks and the new supreme is Cordelia. She goes public as a witch and a lot of new students show up. This was okay. Myrtle dies again and Fiona’s in hell with knotty pine forever.

Best Lines:
“Clear the rot of the past.”

“I’m not stupid.”
“Yes you are.”

“I’m going back to Hollywood where people are normal.”

Supergirl 1x18

World’s Finest
Nobody aids Siobhan as she goes crazy. Livewire is still in a cage. The Flash shows up in National City. Everyone is irritatingly perfectly annoying. There is a fake Scottish accent, Lucy Lane being annoying and no Alex. There is really bad make-up and crappy SFX. James is jealous, Supergirl is forgiven and there is a sap overload. Kara kisses James and Myriad is activated. Nobody cares.

Best Lines:
“What is she?”

“He’ll be docked in your port.”

“You look like the attractive yet non-threatening racially diverse cast of a CW show.”

“My least hated niece.”

“Starving bog lady ancestor.”

“The false queen.”

“Like an evil Taylor Swift squad?”
Tags: agent carter, colony, coven, legends of tomorrow, review, supergirl

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