epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

6 TV Reviews

The Musketeers 3x01

Spoils Of War
It’s 4 years later. Porthos resents Aramis. A nutty general annoys. Aramis is a monk in a monastery full of stupid monks. Treville is a minister. Louis XIII is absent. Paris street trash sounds Irish and an annoying orphan annoys. Queen Anne is a snot. The little future Sun King toddles. Louis XIII has a beard and is ineffective. France wars with Spain. The future Sun King gets a pony. There are stories about the musketeers told by Aramis.

The Paris governor is Louis’ bastard half-brother (Rupert Everett and his terrible facelift). Constance bores. Constance and Treville piss off the Red Guard. The Governor is sick and he follows the will of a gore-crow. There is overacting and overripe dialogue. The Governor is hilariously unimpressed by the musketeers. Constance gets above her station. D’Artagnan takes off his shirt.

This show is the new red-headed stepchild of the BBC like ‘New Street Law’ once was. War rages and everything is all apocalyptic gloominess and mordant delivery. This had a simplistic narrative of bad people, wilfully annoying orphans and unwavering boredom.

Best Lines:
“Get out there and die for him.”

“The General rode in that direction.”
“Not all of him.”

“Something has to be done and I’m not doing it.”

“You never stop having your say.”

“Her idiot husband is away at war.”

Legends Of Tomorrow 1x13

Ray makes like Ant-Man and grows big. Rip shrieks and Vandal Savage annoys. They’re in 2166 and Savage has conquered the world and his followers make quasi-Nazi salutes. Rip is not wholly reliable and is always screaming. Rip lived in Whitechapel? Plot potential is criminally wasted. Why does Savage inspire such a fug of reverence? Rip is determinedly defensive, the dialogue is inept and they’ll fail miserably and die in the process.

A bracelet is important. This doesn’t have the widest possible resonance. Kendra has staged reminiscences of Carter. Savage’s henchwoman does psychotic smirking and is his daughter Cassandra. Stein is a moron. Savage killed Per. Mick and Kendra do metal work. Ray is useless as he fights the Leviathan. Rip will not shut his mouth. A megaweapon damages Waverider which can’t decelerate. Snart has OTT line delivery. Cassie Savage has involuntary respect for her mad dad. She self defines as a daddy’s girl. Cassandra switches sides and Carter shows up. Kendra is stupid beyond words. She has pliability. This arse-biscuits was tranquilised brontosaurus slow.

Best Lines:
“Like way back.”

“Why is London shooting at us?”

“I’m not dead. Yet.”

“The last patch of free ground on the planet.”

“You’re more idiotic than he claimed.”

“There’s a lid for every pot.”

“Killed a grand total of nobody.”

“Olympics of murder.”

“Are repairs coming?”

“I can’t believe this is our life.”

Colony 1x08

In From The Cold
Carlos is still in the Factory which is on the moon. Will needs to take a belt to his awful wife. Katie has no shame. Bram whines. Helena and Snyder chat. The Chief Minister of the Pacific coast is coming. There are worker quotas, Snyder makes an ugly ties and the humans were told to maintain order. Helena is taller than Snyder. One Resistance member involves her children. Katie is a terrible person in every way. Why do Katie’s kids need her?

Katie wants to quit, than she doesn’t and there are unsuitable circumstances all round. Quayle throws his comrades under a bus. Quayle has protest era nostalgia. Will and Kate have an unbridgeable stalemate. Quayle underscores his crapulence and how does he know what is outside the walls? Broussard makes a friend and has bad judgement. Will plays his stupid wife. Bram and his teacher look through the telescope and realise they need a better one.

Apparently all amateur and professional astronomers and observatories were destroyed. Katie thinks she’s lissom and lithe, she has no lucidity. Where are the aliens? What is the Factory doing on the moon? Can the teacher be trusted? Quayle betrays all his ideals for a transit pass. Snyder is a rich, lonely man. Katie should be working at a motel entitled All The Way In: she’s not that smart.

This was of no magnitude. Katie sticks her nose in and is always interfering. She gets her friend and her sons executed. Don’t the aliens have surveillance?  Quayle is former CIA and makes grandiose claims and knows the Resistance is a joke. He also tells Will that his wife is a lying ho. Will kills him as he shades his responses. Snyder threats Will and Beau. People seem to be out after curfew with no retaliation. This was BAD.

Best Lines:
“Imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.”

“Was it worth it?”

“What’s outside the walls?”

“This is really conspicuous.”

“Fight until they’re gone.”

“That sure as hell wasn’t there a year ago.”

“I own you.”

The Catch (2016 - 2017) 1x01

The Pilot
Alice is a smug arrogant PI with an obvious lip job. She has equally smug co-workers but all are oblivious that Alice’s fiancé Christopher Hall is actually a famous con man named Mr X who likes to taunt them. This was not bright and breezy it was annoying with loud intrusive background music. She lives in a loud modern place and writes him a cheque for a house that is her entire life savings. How did they plan to pay property tax and pay bills? Mr X and his colleague Margo and their other pal plan for ‘Christopher’ to disappear and they do.

Alice never noticed anything and her faux toughness grates. This has no emotional connection as nobody has real emotions. Alice also never noticed that ‘Christopher’ never looked at a camera. She’s not embittered that her life has been impinged; she just purses her puffed up lips and treats it as a game.

There are no catastrophic consequences. What was Mr X’s long con all for? Alice and her vocal fry annoy. The plot creaks at the seams. Alice isn’t very smart. An obvious fake FBI agent lurks. There is b&e, theft and a guy has invented a desalinator that looks like a sink trap. Alice sees Mr X and then he wanders off. Margo rages and she can’t act. This was ludicrous and dumb.

Best Lines:
“So much cake.”

“Just for that, I’m keying it.”

“They’ll never see us coming.”

“Extract me from my own con.”

“I proposed to myself.”

“His entire web presence is gone.”

“You give him everything.”

“What I let happen to you.”

Supergirl 1x17

Cat has an unfailing inability to accept responsibility. Kara has a failure of self belief. Supergirl has about as much credibility as Amber Heard. Winn ditches Siobhan and Lucy runs the DEO. Lucy is Major Lane again and back in the military. Lucy has a slappable face. Siobhan is Silver Banshee. There is an interrogation of Hank’s thoughts. Siobhan whines. There are flashbacks to Mr Danvers (Dean Cain) and how Manhunter took over Hank’s life. Manhunter reminisces about how Mr Danvers was a bleeding heart liberal and how the real Hank had no noble expression and was not self aware. Mr Danvers killed Hank after Hank fatally wounded him. That is why Manhunter took Hank’s place.

This ep was not ever pertinent. The rabid Colonel Harper (Eddie McClintock) is rabid and unblinking in intensity. There is a mention of Project Cadmus. Lucy has Alex arrested. Flashbacks show how Manhunter recruited Alex and her hooker hair to join the DEO instead of going to random parties. Lucy is a shrill jealous bitch. Alex is a jealous sister. Kara’s glasses are lead lined. Lucy is made in the know. So she and Kara save Hank and Alex. Harper goes away. There is a reveal. Lucy is caked in make-up. This has no unifying aspect.

Best Lines:
“Which makes you a terrible agent.”

“You’re the ones who should be ashamed of yourselves.”

“You don’t need me, you never have.”

“It’s a necessary place.”

“This is rock bottom.”

“So there is life on Mars?”

“He’s not a man.”

“Why do you all lie?”

“We didn’t have birds on my planet.”

“That excuse will work once.”

Agent Carter 2x09

A Little Song And Dance
Peggy has no appropriate behavioural responses. There is a dream sequence with an appearance by Angie and some singing and dancing. It induces catatonic despair. This show has no conceptual agenda. Peggy is irreparably dysfunctional. The SSR is all slack morals. The plot is farcical bombast. Jarvis lies to Ana and whines. Jack and Daniel plot. Whitney plots. Peggy is all self-assuredness. Vernon is aberrant and this was unpromising. Peggy is selfish and terrible.

Best Lines:
“You’re going to regret this Jack!”
“I doubt it.”

“Enough! I’m not listening to this.”

“Neither wanted nor required.”

“Black space goo.”

“Yelling won’t make it work.”
Tags: agent carter, colony, legends of tomorrow, musketeers, review, supergirl

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