epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: X-Men: Apocalypse + Men In Black + 8 others

X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)
The latest film sees a rubbish villain (Oscar Isaac) take on the Xmen with fisticuffs when he allegedly has god-like powers. He gets 4 flunkies (young Storm, an Irish sounding Magento who looks like he wants to be elsewhere, a wasted Angel and Psylocke who does nothing but stand with her legs wide apart).

Professor X bores, Jean Grey and her dodgy accent gives us hints of Phoenix, Nightcrawler scene steals, Cyclopes bores, Havoc bores and Mystique does speeches. There is an obvious cameo, ‘The Last Stand’ is insulted and Quicksilver does a rescue to the tune of ‘Sweet Dreams’. This was okay but way too long and the villain is super lame. This was wearisome and artless and doesn’t worry too much about plot, climax or denouement.

Men In Black (1997)
This was an okay but not great film. Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are MIBs. Jones broods and glowers. Smith shouts all his dialogue. The 2nd film sucked and I didn’t bother with the 3rd. There is 90s attire and a happy ending that was overridden for the sequels. MIBs police aliens on Earth. Rip Torn is the boss. Smith pulls bizarre faces - is his character thinking or having a stroke? An evil alien plots, there is comedy childbirth, comedy, J is an ass, a cat lurks and how did they clean all the goo off at the end?

Best Lines:
“I’ve just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach kid. That’s one of a 100 memories I don’t want.”

“You got some entrails on you.”

“Spray burns.”

“It happens.”
“Didn’t used to.”

“Freeze means stop.”

“Shoot you where it don’t grow back.”

“Barely conscious pond scum.”

“Same thing, cept no Nazis.”

“You wish. Bring a sponge.”

“You sorry little ingrates!”

So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993)
A man copes, badly, with his relationships. Then he finally gets married to a possible axe murderer. Also his mother has a transparent, unequivocal and unambiguous perverted crush on his BBF. Dull.

Attack The Block (2011)

The Cold Light Of Day (2012)
No abiding affection for this non-luminously original film.

Indecent Proposal (1993)

Heartbreak Ridge (1986)

30 Days Of Night (2007)

The Lady Vanishes (1979)

Police Academy (1984)
Dire, not an intellectual challenge.
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