epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: The Island Of The Haunted + The Pretender 2001 +The General’s Daughter +Into The Blue

The Pretender: The Island Of The Haunted (2002)
The final ever ‘The Pretender’ TV movie which explained nothing and resolved nothing. Catherine Parker and Jarod’s mother knew each other. Jarod looks into that fact. Miss Parker fawns over her father. Mr Lyle looms and only Broots wonders what became of baby Parker. The Centre clan can’t properly relate to anyone. Jarod has a new ugly haircut. Sydney phones it in and there are comically bad Scottish accents and yelling. Jarod just misses his stupid mother, there is OTT acting, Miss Parker is vile and she and Jarod bond. There are scrolls, a ghost, a plane in peril and no logical reasoning. There are paternity reveals and a threat. Where is Ethan? This was okay but a famously inconclusive finale.

Best Lines:
“They afraid of what he might say or who he might drool on?”

“Evil worship type meetings.”

“Bodily fluids storage facility? What the hell is that for?”

The Pretender 2001 (2001)
There are a lot of Pretenders out there, which does not explain the unending manhunt for Jarod. There are retcons and Jarod chews on Pez and has a bad haircut. Jarod chases the Chameleon. Sydney is slightly too bijou and his alleged guilt takes curious forms. People babble about Miss Parker’s inner sense. Ethan lurks. Jarod skypes and there is a bizarre emotional climate. There is really bad acting and Jarod hangs out near the Centre. There is a creepy homage to past eps. Jarod has compassion and there is outdated tech and ridic plotting. This was mediocre.

Best Lines:
“She was safe.”
“Then we won’t be.”

“The Centre will come for us. They always do.”

“They didn’t play that where I went to school.”

“Who we pretend to be.”

“I’ll spend the rest of you around like a download from Napster.”

The General’s Daughter (1999)
Glossy misogynistic trash.

Best Lines:
“Subtle as a chainsaw.”

“A wife? Girlfriend? Roommate? Hooker?”

“I teach panic remember.”

Into The Blue (2006)
A crap Paul Walker and Jessica Alba movie.
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