epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: The Witch + Ace Ventura: Pet Detective + You Only Live Twice + 3 others

The Witch (2016)
This folk horror sees a family thrown out by the puritans for being too puritan. They end up in the middle of nowhere where inexplicable disasters befall them and their farm. This causes the family to turn cruel, uncomfortable and deadly. There is endless bleakness and collective madness. There are also endless scenes of a vaguely alarmed bunny. This was not scary but rather camp and free of accumulating unease. The soundtrack is all abominable noise and the ending goes OTT. The unworthy, hopeless father is an abject failure and the artfully menacing landscape that drives him and his family to ruin is no doubt now home to subdivisions after being tamed into suburban submission. This was ridiculous, too try hard and silly.

Best Lines:
“Live deliciously?”

“I cannot write my name.”

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
Jim Carrey is in ridiculous form in this star-making comedy. Ace (Carrey) must find the Miami Dolphin’s stolen mascot Snowflake the dolphin. This has 90s attire, Ace having a fractious relationship with cop Lois (Sean Young) and her 90s perm. Ace has a cruel, enigmatic smile and Lois has venomous looks. Ace hooks up with Melissa (it’s Monica from ‘Friends’) who likes him despite him being a mocking perceptive psychopath.

There is no dignity or plausibility and Lois is subjected to an unrelenting monstering. This does not do nuance or rigorous logic just outlaw morality and psychological delusion. Ace takes on the crazed villain, there is a ’ The Crying Game’ homage and this was funny.

Best Lines:
“Yes satan?”

“This is my Graceland sir.”

“I’m in psychoville.”

“Why don’t you cry about it?”

“Animals can sense evil.”

“Dan Marino should die of gonorrhoea and rot in hell.”

“Die animal boy!”

“Psycho woman.”

“Crockett gets the boss a coffee.”

You Only Live Twice (1967)
This Sean Connery era Bond sees 007 take on Blofeld (Donald Pleasence). 007 runs around Japan and this is all hideous, reductive, cruel, simplistic and bogus. Why do people lionise Connery and his corpulent middle age? This film is a worthless nuisance full of sour notes. This was neither fabulously awful nor compellingly awful. This has no mesmerising dark intensity or morbid humour. Sex clod 007 is shallow, misguided, devious, greedy, ruthless, ill-informed, arrogant, deluded and serially deceitful. This comes to the inevitable violent conclusion. This was irksome and senseless and full of swaggering and boasting. Not remotely credible.

Best Lines:
“Who is big enough?”

“Get into anything with any girl.”

Bell, Book and Candle (1958)
A witch (Kim Novak) and her cat Pyewacket have adventures. Okay.

Suspira (1977)
A medieval scenario unfolds in a ballet school. This was incoherent.

Strictly Ballroom (1992)
Strident unfunny Oz comedy.
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