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Ghost In The Water (1982)
This BBC drama has weird opening credits. A school has an ugly paint job. In a poor scum town, a know it all girl named Tess becomes obsessed with a gravestone. Her parents watch something on TV that looks like a Pet Shop Boys video. There are perms, bad line delivery and flat acting. The 1981 ‘The Haunting of Cassie Palmer’ was better.

Tess nearly drowns herself in a bathtub. Her gravestone obsession is not a noble crusade just an overblown school project. There is a total lack of empathy and an old mine opens up under her lawn. This was stodgy with blue tinged flashbacks. There is an unquiet spirit and an unspecific threat. There is no sense of the physical or topography of the world. The underlying presumption is that I should care. I don’t.

Best Lines:
“Have you been dreaming again?”

“I saw the lawn disappear!”

The Reverse-Flash Returns
Eobard Thawne has returned, yet somehow this ep is boring as hell. Barry is voluble. Cisco is condescending, hectoring and bristling. No-one asks Harry why he is agitated cos they are selfish trash-monsters. Does Harry wear anything that isn’t monochrome? Jay lurks like a yeast infection. Thawne lurks. Jay seethes. Patty still isn’t gone and is one of season 2’s collective problems.

Barry tries to be suave. Iris does not have a calming effect, Joe’s ex is dying and Cisco joyfully intuits. Why does Harry keep squeezing into that yellow suit?  Tina McGee (Amanda Pays of ‘Leviathan’, ‘The Kindred’ and ‘Thief Takers’) is in peril. There is punching, a retcon and Harry has to draw a diagram explaining it all. Barry is aggressive, Snow is useless and makes implausible decisions. This was intermittently interesting. Nobody can make spontaneous conversation. Wally has intransigence. There is a fight and no authentic brittleness.

Thawne has serious bad-ass decay. Nobody mentions that Thawne killed the real Earth 1 Wells. Thawne has pathetic motives. Cisco has no propriety, Patty is so pathetic and there is not a vestige of quality. This ep and everyone in it is terrible. There are ‘Back To The Future’ homages. Barry is a selfish asshat. Thawne meets Earth 2 Harry and this is how he knew to replace Wells and take over STAR Labs. Barry created his own worst enemy.

Didn’t the particle accelerator blow up? Jay shows Snow his Earth 1 doppelganger Hunter Zoloman. Patty finally heads off to Midway City. Jay is too dumb to live and there is blathering about energy force. No more.

Best Lines:
“Freaky-ass Braille room.”

“Yeah that’s right, I see plays.”

“You died.”
“Good to know.”

“A timeline remnant.”

“Nothing can change that.”


“I will never lose to you again.”

“Every time I’ll be ready for you.”

“This is his origin story.”

“Who are you?”
“No-one of consequence.”

The Aliens (2016) 1x01
This is E4’s latest attempt at drama. Shell suit wearing aliens crash landed off the UK coast 40 years ago. Now they live in an alien zone and Lewis is a border guard. It’s presumably 2020 is the aliens crashed in 1990. This isn’t ‘V’, not the original or even the remake. Alien hair is smoked as a life destroying drug. Even ‘Star-Crossed’ was better than this mess that is a distillation of all that is wrong with E4’s yoof drama.

This has annoying opening credits and unwanted kitchen sink drama. People smoke drugs and our hero calls up a cam-girl. There are stereotypes and the aliens are nicknamed Morks. Our hero is thick, catastrophic and forlorn. There are determined and ruthless aliens. Our hero learns he is half alien and that his dad isn’t his dad. I care not.

Best Lines:
“We tag and spray them.”

“I make on-purposes.”

“It’s more a collection of horrible people.”

“Anyone else but him.”

“It’s anatomically impossible.”

The shrink fancies Reese, there is a bounty hunter, a bail jumper and a con artist. They all annoy. Reese tries to help the not hugely appreciative bounty hunter. Finch and his sideburns whispers. Root plots, Finch over-acts, there are stupid subsequent decisions and this was all mendacity, cynicism and boredom. Finch’s latest relationship with a woman is ruined, there is fault finding and egregious people have inconsiderable pride.

Best Lines:
“All sketchy spots.”

“It was all for nothing.”

“She lied, go figure.”

“Watch your back Barbie.”

“A sociopath can’t be sorry.”

“He hasn’t killed anybody. That we know of.”


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