epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: Children Of The Corn + 4 others

Children Of The Corn (1984)
An adaptation of a creepy Stephen King short story, it had about 8 sequels and a miniseries remake. This was brought to us by New World Pictures, the no longer in existence studio that gave us ‘Heathers’. An annoying couple annoy. The wife is played by Linda Hamilton and her unfortunate 80s perm.

There is unneeded narration, bad child actors and TPTB give away the twist of the story in the very first scene. There is laughably wooden acting by the husband. The creep factor of children being convinced that a pagan god known as He Who Walks Behind The Rows lives in their cornfields and needs sacrifice is somehow not conveyed. The annoying couple sing and talk in mannered sitcom conceits. This has a very memorable DVD cover. I always wanted to see this film but it left me profoundly disappointed.

The hubby has eye-rolling, brow-furrowing, exasperated exhaling bleeding heart liberal pretensions. A girl draws pictures. The dead parents of small town with a secret Gatlin weren’t over-vigilant. This film was stupid. There is a moralising radio preacher, no palpable seriousness and this was wholly inaccurate to the story. The children of Gatlin talk in Ye Olde Butchered English for some bizarre reason. Just because they got a bizarre religion doesn’t mean they need to talk like bizarre puritans.

A gas station harbinger looms. I was under-whelmed by this conceptually neutered mess. There is no sure sense of drama. A creepy child preacher lurks. The couple are morons and stumble around Gatlin waiting to be sacrificed to He Who Walks Behind The Rows. There is no realistic human emotion. And a child shall lead them, indeed.

Best Lines:
“Acting real creepy.”

“No room for the fornicator!”

“There’s something very wrong here.”

“They had a game and music!”

“A bad fart.”

“Don’t ever show up in my emergency room buddy!”


“There’s something very strange about this town.”

The Mangler (1995)
Terrible King adaptation about a demonic laundry press.

Firestarter (1984)
A bad King adaptation starring little Drew Barrymore.

Sometimes They Come Back (1991)
An okay King adaptation about a haunted teacher.

Ginger Snaps (2000)
A bad werewolf horror.
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