epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: Disaster Movie + Storage 24 + Prisoners

Disaster Movie (2008)
This is an unfunny, tasteless morass of dumb parodies and mumbled dialogue. It isn’t weirdly fascinating or gloriously frenetic. Has no dynamic shot choice and is not brilliantly unhinged or in hilariously bad taste. ‘Vampires Suck’ and ‘Epic Movie’ were better than this negative influence. Kim Kardashian features and this goes nowhere and is just gutless linked sketches.

Best Lines:
“A trendy loft district whose residents are attractive 20somethings who dance to bad 80s music.”

“You’re wigging harder than a smack addict at an Iggy show circa 73.”

“Time to get the sea monkey plastered.”

“Crackhead Winehouse.”

“LL not Cool J.”

“If you’re got 5 bucks or some meth, I’ll show you.”

Storage 24 (2012)
With a depressing sense of inevitability bad things happen in this monstrously tedious flop film starring, written and directed by Noel Clarke of ‘Doctor Who’. A military plane crashes near a storage depot. An ex couple spew hateful vitriol at each other and this was not a graceful hypnotic narrative. The characters seem incapable of normal social interaction. They’re in splendid isolation and react to odd events with a nonchalant manner. There is no sense of geography or gothic menace and no wider more interesting ideas. The ex-girlfriend seems a wholly unworthy object of his love. Naturally she is a slut shagging his lying best friend. The duo continually lie to the hero even as the alien monster and his unfathomable motivations rampages. I don’t care about their personal travails. A nutter with intrinsic knowledge lurks. There is no economy or style. The lying best friend has an inflated sense of his own youth virility. This has no underlying dramatic truth and is tired and the self delusion is comically morose. This was sexist with a mean final shot.

Best Lines:
“My phone’s at the bottom of the river.”

“I hate my life.”

“Which poison whore? Her?”

“Nothing explains that dressing gown.”

Prisoners (2013)
This is a dark dull tale starring Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal. People are weighed down with woe even before two young girls go missing. This was not beautifully sombre as one mad dad (Jackman) tries to get the truth out of the suspect by continuous threats. The investigating detective (Gyllenhaal) is inept. Everyone has resolute determination and there is no occasional softening of crusted tenderness. The suspect may or may not have sinister intent. People go on stony unforgiving paths. Cue negative social values in this mirth free zone.
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