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6 Movie Reviews

One Dark Night (1983)
Meg Tilly and Adam West star in this bizarre boring ‘horror’. A woman stares, tinny music plays and there is no drollery or raillery just idiots with bad perms. This was not harrowing, there is just thuggery, a dead Russian psychic and this was not lucent. This was non-negotiably boring, jaded, derivative, tiresome, delusive and contrived. There was yelling and ridiculousness and had no sanctity or overtly ideological moments. Adam West lurks and looks cute. There were mutterings about psychic vampirism and death. Avoid this mess.

Best Lines:
“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ain’t no sister yet.”

“Take that stupid thing out of your mouth!”

“The bizarre condition of his apartment.”

“You are such a nice girl!”

“Bio-energy.”

“Your father was no fake.”

~
Darby O’Gill and the Little People (1959)
Terrible.

~
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1983)
Very very boring with no aesthetic diversity or sturdy appeal just ordered eating.

~
Man Of Steel (2013)
Wooden actor Henry Cavill stars in this dull, terrible, ugly Zack Snyder film that reboots Superman yet again. This was blurry and Russell Crowe looks old as Jor-El. There is weird creepy alien technology, Krypton elders in silly hats and blathering about a codex. Zod stomps around in silly armour overacting and the alien world looks 1950s.

There is excessive incoherent action. Jor-El is a bad ass and Lara whines. Zod is so bug-eyed and wooden it is laughable. Russell Crowe fights, fights, fights and dies. There is yelling, no flying 2D glass prison and excessive CGI. Little Kal-El heads to earth and suddenly he is an adult named Clark Kent doing ‘Deadliest Catch’ and saving people from an oil rig accident.

There are flashbacks to a school bus accident with mentions of Lana, Pete and the Fordham boy. Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner looking old) mutters distancing language. There is no moral equivalent and this does not impart familiarity. How did the Kents lug Kal-El’s huge alien ship into their storm cellar? How did the government not notice?

The optics in this film are ugly and this was not a metaphorical construct. The intensity of Zod’s dispute is inversely proportional to the importance of the issues at stake. There is no moral presumption or measured advice. This wasn’t even sporadically interesting. Lois Lane shows up to swap spit with Superman. Clark finds his fortress of solitude that is 20,000 years old or something. Perry White lurks and Clark gets answers. Zod has a manufactured sense of privilege. Clark puts on his suit, dead Jor-El pops up to dump exposition, Martha Kent (Diane Lane) sits around, stuff blows up a lot and there is no defining third act statement. I hated this.

Best Lines:
“There are habitable worlds within reach.”

“Everybody here is already dead.”

“On whose authority?”
“Mine.”

“You’ll be the leader of nothing.”

“His cells will drink its radiation.”

“They’ll kill him.”
“How? He’ll be a god to them.”

“Heresy!”

“Forget them. They’re dead.”

“Didn’t even exist on the periodic table.”

“Release the world engine!”

“Print it or I walk.”

“Creeping cancer of falsehoods.”

“Foresaw the coming calamity.”

“This is a genesis chamber.”

“Earth’s sun is younger and brighter.”

~
Gravity (2013)
This was emotional manipulation all the way as the space shuttle Explorer is destroyed by space debris and incompetent idiot Ryan (Sandra Bullock) must survive. How did Ryan become an astronaut? Matt (George Clooney) hangs around with a woman his own age for a while before dying. Ryan more or less destroys the ISS and then has to head to a Chinese space station. There goes humanity’s capability to travel to space. Ryan is really annoying and cannot choose wisely. She hallucinates and is a Jonah. This was okay but was not a serpent of subtlety. Also, where was Ryan’s space nappy?

Best Lines:
“Right of disposal.”

“You point the damn thing at Earth.”

“Let’s go home.”

~
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)
We get exposition dumps about elves, dwarves, eldritch architecture and the arkenstone. We also get an end to peace and plenty, things turning sour and a dragon flapping around. This was dull with false highs and seems to be set 60 years before the events of ‘Lord of the Rings’. Various ‘Lord of the Rings’ actors lurk and there is excessive singing and so much padding. This was belatedly crap and I had no idea what was going on.

There was yelling, gender policing and adventure. A dwarf named Thorin wants the Lonely Mountain back. Where are all the women in this film? They’re irrelevant. There are orcs, fights, trolls, swords, spiders and a ghost thing. Elrond lurks and map-reads. There is ethereal choral singing, silly names, stupid comedy and Christopher Lee. There is gibbering about the precious ring and Middle Earth is full of tiny little bridges. No.

Best Lines:
“It began long ago.”

“King under the mountain.”

“That is where they found it.”

“Bad things will follow.”

“A dark and fierce desire.”

“A Hobbit hole.”

“They think you’re becoming odd.”

“Wider not shorter.”

“Can you please not do that?”

“He charged the Goblin ranks.”

“A dark power dwells in there.”

“It is the shadow of an ancient horror.”

“That is not from the world of the living.”

“You have no enemies here.”

“No small degree of charm.”

“I don’t like green food.”

“The Goblin Cleaver.”

“The Foehammer.”

“Moon runes.”

“It will not be ignoring us.”

“A tomb so dark it would never come to light.”

“Something moves in the shadows. Unseen.”

“Did we say so?”

“That could have been worse.”

“Where is our Hobbit?”
Tags: batman1966, movie review
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