epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: Chameleon 3: Dark Angel + Satan’s School For Girls + Tremors

Chameleon 3: Dark Angel (2000)
The final film in the Bobbie Phillips franchise. It is 2039 and corporate mega-mergers rule. All law enforcement agencies operate as the IBI and Kam (Phillips) is an IBI agent and a sub. Which means she is a substitute human who is 20% animal and is regarded as a social danger. Where is the ACLU?

Kam wears pleather and pouts. There are silly fight scenes, bad acting, dated sfx, stolen dark matter, a ridiculous plot, bad lighting and wooden acting which swiftly disabuses you of any hope of quality. This doesn’t touch the starker reaches of this dystopian future. Nobody has any moral character. A choker is worn and what looks like an Apple watch. Kam and a bad dude ride their motorbikes at a sedate 1 MPH. This was terrible in every way.

Best Lines:
“I exist only to serve and protect.”

“That was the wrong answer Malcolm!”

Satan’s School For Girls (2000)
Shannen Doherty stars in this bad remake of a 1970s TV movie. This over-directed film has a goth in a choker, over acting, crows cawing and obvious CGI. A girl dies and so her sister (Doherty) goes undercover as Karen, a new student at Fallbridge women’s college. Karen gets fake ID and no-one thinks Karen is too old to be at college. Karen wears a spaghetti strap tank top and babbles about her psychic powers and looks into Satanists on campus. The Dean (Kate Jackson) has bad ADR and Karen befriends her roommate (Julie Benz) and the girl down the hall (Taraji P. Henson of ‘Person of Interest’ and ‘Empire’). Guess who turn out be the Satanists? There is no understated disquiet

A pervy history teacher and various milk fed boys from the men’s college lurk. Karen is terribly judgmental and wanders into the mysterious ruined but oddly clean student union. Karen goes to the library instead of using Google. People die. There is endless talking, a pentagram shaped chandelier, butterfly clips, inelegant and uncompromisingly bad dialogue, magic, murders, totally crap SFX and this film crashes into a ditch.

Best Lines:
“What’s your major?”
“English Lit.”
“Uh, same here. When we graduate we can both hit the unemployment line together.”

“That’s the lesbian table. There’s the Stepford sorority recruiting new cult members.”

“Sabrina the teenage bitch.”

“I’d do him.”

“This is your destiny.”

“She was widowed 3 times. Each to a multi-millionaire.”

“See you in hell!”

Tremors (1989)
Poo and populated by people who can’t act.
Tags: movie review, person of interest

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