epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

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Movie Reviews: The Martian + Liar, Liar, Vampire + 2 others

The Martian (2015)
This is a good film based on a terrible self-published novel. Matt Damon stars as an astronaut stranded on Mars when the Ares III mission is abandoned due to a dust storm. Damon’s character Mark is a loud, obnoxious jerk. NASA can’t quite save the day and need the help of the Chinese. Mark grows potatoes on Mars which are fertilized by poo. He also drives around in a rover, digs up a relic and is insufferably smug and insults Neil Armstrong. This has lots of 70s music which can’t quite cover up Mark's distinct lack of gratitude. Mars and the beautiful Hermes spaceship look good but the fearsomeness of space isn’t that well conveyed.

~
Liar, Liar, Vampire (2015)
This Nick TV movie spoofs ‘Twilight’. Scrotum faced Davis moves to a new town and fancies the hot girl while overlooking the emo girl next door. People think Davis is a vampire because through a random set of circumstances - he sparkles. Davis gets the hot girl but they are actually a hateful, dysfunctional pairing without a plausible set of emotions. This okay film has not one truly emotional moment. There is also no dramatic tension whatsoever. Jeopardy is non-existent and this was un-challenging. People have Borat-like ignorance about everything. The all-purpose loser Davis becomes a jerk. An un-serious vampire hunter shows up. Lies and shaming take place.

Best Lines:
“Make a mockery of my school’s social order.”

“Constipated model.”

“Nasty smelly thing from beyond.”

“Who are you?”
“I’m new.”

“You’re just high school arm candy.”

“Were you Rocket Raccoon at your last school?”

“I have seen the movie ‘Van Helsing’ 47 times! And I HATED that movie!”

~
The Fifth Element (1997)
Terrible.

Angela’s Ashes (1999)
Horrible.
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