epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: The Final Girls + Sins Of The Past + 6 others

The Final Girls (2015)
A very disappointing homage to 80s horror. Max’s mom starred in ‘Camp Bloodbath’ in the 80s which was a star derailing role. Sadly mom (Malin Akerman of ‘Watchmen’) dies in a car wreck. Max broods and her horrible heartless desensitized friends take her to a ‘Camp Bloodbath’ horrorthon. Max likes the lunk Chris (Alexander Ludwig) but his evil ex Vicki (Nina Dobrev of ‘The Vampire Diaries’) who is also Max’s ex-BFF won’t go away.

After a highly improbable fire, the gang run through the screen and end up in the movie. Presumably everyone else in the cinema dies. So Max, Chris, Vicki, hipster Duncan and some other girl are in ‘Camp Bloodbath’ and its hyper-real cinematography. They encounter the doomed ‘Camp Bloodbath’ characters including Nancy the character played by Max’s dead mother. Max and co wander around the summer camp observing the doomed camp counsellors and their hideous shorts. WTF is with Americans and summer camps anyway?

This got paeans of praise to my astonishment. It is so boring and an imposition on your time. ‘Camp Bloodbath’ character Kurt is taurine and obviously adored by TPTB. Kurt is the tastemaker and arbiter of style. Max is supposed to have indefatigability - she just annoys and can’t act. Increasingly dramatic music plays and this was made with no malevolent skill. The killer, Billy, wears a silly mask. Paula the ‘Camp Bloodbath’ final girl looks like Catya Sassoon. Vicki seems to have had bad fillers done. There are tasteless comedy deaths. Even watching this on a nano-crystal TV probably wouldn’t improve this. It creates no active fear and the sap is dreadful.

This limp film does not enthral you. The millennials have inherent privilege and no aplomb. The cliché-ridden writing bores and the low budget SFX look cheap and fake. Vicki remorsefully babbles. Billy the dastardly killer lurks. This was clunky and not fresh or insightful. There is no innocence, strangeness, crisis, personal development, optimism or Aristotelian thought. This was not hyper-realistic, nuanced or restrained. You don’t care about any of these cartoon characters.

There is no abject immobilising terror, emotion or intensity. This was not a satisfying experience. This was not poignant as the marauding killer exudes no menace, savagery or evil. The killer is inexorable bit not alarmingly chilly. The ‘Camp Bloodbath’ characters can’t escape the kind of roles and responses laid out for them by the time and place they exist in. So there is no drama in people fighting hard to avoid the obvious outcomes of their storyline. So this was plodding and inherently boring to watch.

The overlong slow motion sequence heavily circumscribes any emotional tension or intellectual and emotion horizons. Nobody acts like it is the worst circumstance it is possible to be in. The utterly pitiless killer isn’t even interesting. You don’t care about stony-faced, flint-eyed Max and her boring mommy issues. This was full of stupidity and irrational decisions. There is not melancholy and this was just lurid and unkind. Max and her lofty judgmental moral crusade annoy. This film is nowhere near as clever as it thinks it is. Human desecration = funny according to TPTB. So there is no moral service in this meandering, self-indulgent and frustrating mess. Nobody is clever, compassionate or self-aware. The perfunctory dialogue, inspirited performances, cod-portentous language and crude caricatures are mordantly painful and worst of all, there is a sequel hook.

Best Lines:
“The only marshmallow that will roast is your sanity!”

“My arc on ‘CSI’ as a bipolar mistress.”

“Why would you say that? That’s so hurtful.”

“She is the worst!”

“I’m having a psychotic episode.”

“If this is a dream there’s a very strong chance that my dad’s going to come up to us naked and offer us some pecan pie. But don’t take any. It is not pecan pie.”

“Says the guy in the crop top.”

“Are you guys’ poor people? Are you guys’ poor?”

“Our homes don’t even exist yet. They’re probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions.”

“Dibs on the one that looks like Ricky Schroder.”

“I can’t believe we’re just gonna casually watch someone get murdered. What is this, Detroit?”

“Why do we need a chainsaw for a slumber party?”

“I love legends: Loch Ness, Big Foot, Bon Jovi.”

“Actually, people don’t really shop at malls anymore. They shop online.”
“What’s online?”

Sins Of The Past (1984)
This TV movie is about a group of former call girls who are stalked and murdered by a crazy man. Barbara Carrera, Kim Cattrall, Kirstie Alley and Debby Boone reunite and track the nutter. Said nutter is eventually foiled by the hallelujah lights as Debby Boone warbles at a religious gathering. This is mindless fluff.

Too Good To Be True (1998)
Bad TV movie with Patrick Duffy and Loni Anderson.

Braveheart (1995)
An ill-advised judgment of a film with a wilful disregard of fact.

Best Line:
“Stay. Learn how.”

Gypsy (1962)

Tea With Mussolini (1999)
Plodding tale of Florence and fascists.

Dirty Dancing (1987)
Not charming or good.

Double Indemnity (1944)
Tags: coven, movie review, the vampire diaries

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