epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Beautiful Creatures + 2 others

Beautiful Creatures (2013)
The no-hope town of Gaitlin is home to a deep fried hick Ethan and some unpleasantly narcissistic casters aka witches. Ethan falls for caster Lena. This wildly camp dumb movie was based on the cardboard prosed novel. People have silly names, there is sexism, a magic system that makes no sense, ridiculous plotting, gender essentialism and Jeremy Irons, Emmy Rossum, Emma Thompson, Margo Martindale, Viola Davis and Eileen Atkins chew the scenery. Lena is the subject of a hate camping and runs around surrounded by camp, southern gothic.

Ethan the hick tries to save her from quietly homicidal relatives. Lena’s house is a hollow display of tasteless luxury and people live in fear imposed by their power. There is a curse, flashbacks, silly CGI magic and non-compliance with sense. This wasn't elegiac as teens protest undying affection as they sit around discussing post-structuralism. There is societal dishonesty and people are never short of targets for their ire. There is a Keeper and a library and a magic book and unpleasant narration. This is terrible wild camp and oddly enjoyable for its sheer awfulness. There is a tattoo, evil eye make up, cleavage, collective nostalgia for the old south, affected affective consciousness and a deep mine of dissatisfaction.

Best Lines:
“No one can do that.”

“Your evil kind!”

“An age without hiding.”

“Will you shut her out too?”

“Please stop raining on me.”

“This is so stupid.”

“No caster may reverse death.”

“She has no love for you.”

“Nancy Regan made them move.”

“Dumb ass mortal who can’t make his own thunder.”

“Kill you, hurt you.”

Wicked Stepmother (1989)
Bette Davis’ last movie - which she was fired from half way though is bad. Real bad.

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)
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