epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Queen Of Swords (2000 - 2001) 1x01 +Criminal Minds 10x21 +The Strike +The Bullshitters Reviewed

It’s 1817 and the heroine, Tessa (Tessie Santiago), sword fights in Madrid or rather 1 of her 12 stunt doubles does. The theme song ‘Behind The Mask’ by Jose Feliciano is okay. Tessa learns her father has died mysteriously in Spanish California so she and her maid Marta head out there. The territory is run by the evil Montoya and his evil lackey Grisham who is a deserter from the war of 1812. Dr Helm (Peter Wingfield) has PTSD from the Napoleonic wars but oddly isn’t in this ep. Tessa wears nice outfits and wonders where all her dead daddy’s money is. Grisham beds the slutty useless Vera who has obvious bleached blonde hair. Tessa has a vision of her dead dad (for the first and only time) and finds a secret room. Marta reads tarot cards. Tessa whips up a paper thin disguise from the family sword and her mother’s shawl. She and her 12 stunt doubles fight the evil is cool baddies. This was okay but where oh where was Dr Helm?

Best Lines:
You know this villain?”

“Much has happened since your father died.”

“That man is thirsty!”

“The man wears death like a flower.”

“The Dons. They do nothing.”

“Forgive him. He’s young.”

“I know nothing!”

“Ask me no more!”

“I fear no one.”

“Questions make enemies.”

“Who or what is that?”

Mr Scratch
A murder takes place on a dark and stormy night. Hotch judges and investigates. Thomas Gibson continues to emote like a plank. The murderer says a monster was in his house. Hotch thinks someone induced the murder and several others via drug induced psychotic breaks. Reid annoys. There are Stephen King shout outs and Matthew Gray Gubler directed this ep. He is a better director than actor. How does everyone know what sage smell likes? Orange Rossi needs to be told how to do his job. The case is connected to the satanic panic of the 80s, a foster home and a discredited shrink. What is a Snoopy sno-cone? The BAU is hacked. Reid blathers about math. Hotch is in peril. Again. Didn’t Hotch have an abusive father? A dissociated nut job giggles as Hotch trips balls. Will there be any follow up to this? This was good and full of negative stressors.

Best Lines:
“The shadow monster.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I’m not a murderer.”
“Yes you are.”

“Did I kill her quickly?”

“Talking themselves into believing.”

“The act of recounting a false memory hardens it into fact.”

“Home is scary.”

“Unplug everything!”

“They’re too dangerous to work anywhere else.”

“Stop talking.”

“I cannot help you.”
“Don’t tell me that.”

“Who the hell is he still hunting?”

“So you gave them to her.”

“They’ll kill you.”
“Are you sure about that?”

“I win.”
“I don’t think so.”

The Strike (1988)
The ‘Comic Strip Presents’ does a parody of how Hollywood would do a film about the 1984 miners strike. Okay

The Bullshitters (1984)
The ‘Comic Strip Presents’ does a parody of ‘The Professionals’ which climaxes with the meat headed duo getting shirtless and making out in a pile of gravel thus resolving their massive sexual tension. Whoever made this did not like Martin Shaw. Good.
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