epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: The Cutting Room + Snitch + A Royal Affair + Red

The Cutting Room (2015)
Has a freakish opening but this found footage horror goes downhill from there. Who does the footage belong to? There is out of step dancing and a sexist burk steals the dancers camera to make a media studies project with two girls, one of whom has a side fishtail plait like it is 1984 or something.

Danny Dyer is mocked and everyone mumbles. Raz, Charlie and Jess stomp around. This frustrates and aggravates and is an atrocity and that is just how I felt 12 minutes in. The acting is appalling, it’s like ‘Hollyoaks’ rejects or homeless druggies lured off the street with promises of free heroin. The trio get excited over a missing girl and decide to make their ‘film’ about cyber bulling.

This is ludicrous, unrelatable, useless and not dark, involved or believable. The morons ignore the escalating threat (such as it is) and I felt apathy as they lost in the dark dark tunnels of somewhere. This was full of weaknesses: the characters are morons who can’t act. This was an abomination. Are we supposed to care about the twist which reveals the dark dark tunnels to be the chthonian sanctuary of a mad degenerate? This was not atmospheric and just ends. This was utterly utterly crap.

Best Lines:
“Some DVD extras.”

“It’s incredibly GCSE.”


“Really, really weird.”

“How can you hate forests?”

“He’s a bastard.”

“There’s no why.”

“This is so pointless.”

“Bit of a weirdo.”

“The world’s creepiest man.”

“Doing what creeps do.”

“You felon!”

Snitch (2013)
This is based on a true story. An idiot small time drug dealer, Jason, is busted by the DEA. He faces 10 years. His mother is the awful ex of John (Dwayne Johnson). Jason is a small, petty moron and John is angry. The US Attorney (Susan Sarandon) gets John to be a snitch with an offer to reduce Jason’s sentence. Bad things happen to Jason in jail. John looks up drug cartels online and gets an ex-con employee (Jon Beranthal of ‘The Walking Dead’) to help him. John does dangerous things with absolute certainty heedless of the ramifications to himself and others. There are guns, agendas, semis and people reacting furiously. There is no moral leadership or consensus and things go awry. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Runner! Back fence!”

“We are losing badly.”

“Don’t cry Jason. Not in here.”

“You know we can’t so don’t say it.”

“No known ass criminals.”

“Let’s have an honest conversation as to why you’re in my crib.”

“He ain’t 5-0, that’s for sure.”

“The liberals think you’re a bitch.”

“Just don’t do that.”

“Show us your loyalty.”

A Royal Affair (2012)
This film had unreadable subtitles. It is the Enlightenment and the exiled Queen of Denmark writes a letter of explanation to her children about what happened. She was an English princess sent to marry the mad King. She wrinkles her nose at the poor dirty serfs and the rats. The King cares more about his dog. Everyone is unwelcoming and she can’t even have her books.

A doctor (it’s him from ‘Hannibal’) gets a job as the King’s physician and he sets out to do something about things that are unjust in the extreme. The King acts like a deluded drug casualty. There are loads of actings and characters who exposit like Batman villains. The belligerent King has no charm and is increasingly unlovely. The doctor panders to the King and his abrasiveness and venom. There is no duty or respect. The Queen spends her time looking sad. Then she and the doctor have an affair. The evil Queen Dowager plots all their ruin. There is sheet sniffing, a downfall, executions, plots and a coup. This was a true story but a boring film.

Best Lines:
“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“They seem to think she is needed.”

“You’re fired, cow.”

“Your father is one of Germany’s most conservative priests. And yet you insist on publishing praises to the French freethinkers.”

“I don’t want to!”

“The light of the north.”

“I reek of him.”

“Cruel writings.”

Red (2010)
This was terrible and featured retired spies killing people. Bruce Willis is lame and beats up Karl Urban and his cute hair.
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