For Art’s Sake
Are we meant to believe that after this series, Jim went on to work with Ethan bloody Hunt and turn traitor? Why did Cruise so irrevocably alter Jim’s character? An art thief strikes in ninja gear and wields a sword cane. Nicholas won’t button his shirt. Shannon has backcombed her hair excessively. The Raffles wannabe thief is Travers (Alex Cord). Nicholas looks suave. Clothes and technology from the 80s are on display.
Travers like Degas and Shannon hints at having an unknown Degas. Travers growls. Shannon wears horrible clothes. Grant creates a fake Degas with a glorified printer which seems to dry instantly. Travers steals the ‘Degas’ and ‘kills’ Shannon. Who makes the masks? The IMF does a comedic abduction involving identical poodles and a hot dog cart. Shannon dresses like Ivana Trump on an off day. Max is dumb muscle. The gang reveal themselves to Travers and he has an overacted defeat. This was very good.
Best Lines:
“Long and painful.”
“I’ll download the memory in his fax machine.”
“Really wanted that painting.”
“So did I.”
“You sure that painting we scraped off wasn’t worth anything?”
“Going down. Repeat: down.”
“I’ll fake you a reference shot.”
“Stupid woman!”
“Adios, minister!”
~
Deadly Harvest
Jared an evil scientist creates a virus that can damage wheat. He and a female colleague fight and a fire break out. The insidious project could do inestimable damage. So the dipped in St Tropez Nicholas pretends to be Jared after extensive plastic surgery. What becomes of the horribly burnt real Jared is never explained. Shannon pretends to be Jared’s now deceased female co-worker. Nicholas wears a striped orange tie.
TPTB hint at a Shannon/Nicholas hook-up which went nowhere. Nicholas wears video camera glasses. Jouseff K is the big bad. Jim wears a jacket that looks constructed from cheap carpet. Nicholas puts on a mad Arab accent. Jouseff K reacts to Nicholas pretending to be Jared by claiming he isn’t Jared which is sensible really. Nicholas convinces him by wearing fake fingerprints and an unbuttoned shirt.
There are huge floppy discs, a convoluted plot beyond any descriptive power, unacceptable behaviour and Nicholas has infinite resilience. Judgement is bestowed. This was good. Nicholas and Shannon erase Jared’s research, nobody has a copy. The baddies overact. Nicholas and Shannon get busted. Nicholas looks sweaty whilst handcuffed and wearing a billowing shirt. Max the lug bores. Nicholas gets an instant trial. Jim strides in claming to be an Amnesty International lawyer. Cue stonewalling and large ham grandstanding. The IMF escapes way too easily.
Best Lines:
“The camel-leopard.”
“The wheat sowing season is very close.”
“Not a pleasant memory.”
“Death and famine.”
“Now you bring me plants.”
“You will be given a fair trail and then you will be executed.”
“Can you find a bucket?”
“He gave no mercy and he’ll get none.”
~
Cargo Cult
In New Belgium, evil miners exploit a Stone Age tribe. Nicholas wears a bizarre tie, the miners are unintelligent moronic perverts and Jim has dynamite in his briefcase. There is a cargo cult, exploitation and Nicholas and Max nearly get thrown into a volcano. Nicholas is remarkably calm. The baddies have profound psychological problems, Shannon has no agency and the Stone Age tribe seem to speak English. There are terrible choices made and death. This was silly.
Best Lines:
“Your wanton disrespect.”
“Simple hill people.”
“This pigpen.”
“We’re gifts? To him?”
~
The Assassin
There is a mention of the EEC and slo-mo shots. There is bad CGI and a sinister force is behind a wave of assassination. Nicholas wears a batwing shirt. The assassins are linked to a stress clinic. The team members have no pasts and no stories. There is an instant printer. Nicholas pretends to be an alcoholic burnt out reporter to get into the stress clinic. Max does some bad acting. In his role as a desperate drunk, Nicholas gets drugged, operated on and psychologically sandblasted. The insta healing surgical incision on his neck is a thing. Shannon wears a fugly hat, 80s earrings and ugly shoes.
There is a moment of reactive comedy. The evil baddie with Trump hair subjects Nicholas to a weird ‘brainwashing’ video whilst smirking. Things get a little disturbing. Max and Shannon break cover when Nicholas acts like a borderline psychopath. Max and Nicholas fight and they end up in the pool. Shannon mispronounces OPEC and wears white stilettos.
The gang try to snap Nicholas out of it but don’t restrain him and he attacks Shannon who is inept. Grant goes on about mind control microchips. The assassination is tied into apartheid. The mask making process is shown. Nicholas punches glass and hasn’t a scratch on him. Nicholas jumps a zoo worker in hilarious fashion and the brainwashing ‘wears off’ or something. Nicholas shrugs it off and the precariat do nothing about the baddie getting eaten by lions. This was okay.
Best Lines:
“Whatever he’s put in your head, fight against it.”
“Your day of destiny.”
“He’s behaving like he’s been brainwashed.”
“Have I missed something?”
“He’s still brainwashed.”
“I’ve been sidelined to Boston!”
“Where’s the nearest bar round here?”
“You’re losing it buddy!”
~
Book Of Shadows
A high school turns out to have witchcraft, murder, secrets and roids going on unnoticed. Characters act like jackasses, there is a cherry opal, exposition dumps and a desperate mom. This was okay.
Best Lines:
“Tattooed on a dead biker’s ass. Blended nicely with his swastikas.”
“Chemistry teacher dealing meth.”
“Good show.”
“Creepy ass tapestries.”
“The janitor’s a witch?”
“I pretend not to know that my husband’s having a weekly tryst with a stripper named Tangerine.”
“Blood drops in his closet.”
“The foul modern text device.”
“We found Ed Lusk’s cauldron.”
“Cold serpent of death.”