epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

Movie Reviews: GI Joe Retaliation + Psychomania + Return From Witch Mountain

GI Joe: Retaliation (2013)
The 1st film ‘Rise Of Cobra’ was a campy enjoyable bright tale of super science this was a bizarrely edited, incoherent would be darker take that was utterly horrible in every way. The Joes are framed and decimated by the fake POTUS (Jonathan Pryce). Duke dies as do apparently all the Joes from the 1st film none of whom get mentioned. Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson) plans to punch Cobra in the face while overacting.

The Baroness isn’t mentioned. Cobra Commander, Destro and the Baroness were imprisoned on a ship at the end of the 1st film but in this film Destro and Cobra Commander are locked up in a horrible mine shaft in Germany. Destro is left in jail and Cobra Commander (not a patch on the guy in the 1st film) strides around being evil having vague badly defined plans to do evil. The mind control nanobots aren’t mentioned. The action is incoherent and the acting is horrible, the prison governor being a prime example.

Snake Eyes and Jinx chase Storm Shadow. How Storm Shadow survived the 1st film is never explained. Cobra plots. Firefly does bad things. Roadblock, Lady Jaye and Flint the only survivors of the Joes somehow get out of Pakistan and back to the US. There is no paranoia inducing menace. This was unlovely, ugly, stupid and enwreathed in bad dialogue and action that effects significance. Everyone decides the most appropriate response to everything is violence and guns.

Bruce Willis shows up to be detrimental to the film. There is a boring fight, a boring reveal, North Korea jokes, London is melted and Cobra’s plan is stupid. Jinx’s voice annoys, Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) looks anorexic and Snake Eyes (Ray Park) wants to dead Storm Shadow and then he doesn’t after a ridiculous reveal. This was a jaw dropping catastrophe that ends badly. No more. No more!

Best Lines:
“Yeah, I pressed it.”

“You drop it. Gravity does the rest.”

“Dude, completely inappropriate.

“Made me what I am.”

“A riot with a zip code.”

“Bring the rain.”

“Let’s exfil.”

“Can I trust you with nothing?”

“It’s an actual pit.”

“Taking his crazy pills again.”

“We have a Joe on the premises!”

~
Psychomania (1973)
British biker thugs become zombies in this terrible film.

Return From Witch Mountain (1978)
Evil Bette Davis and Christopher Lee lurch around after two annoying alien kids. This film was invalid in every way.
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