Ep 1
Dorian (Christian Cooke, who must be thankful to still be getting acting jobs after ‘Demons’) is a rich twit who makes out with his cousin Rosalind to cement their status as the most popular people at Trinity. Charlotte is a poor Vicar’s daughter who is a new student at Trinity as are Theo and the odd Maddy. Also newly arrived are the moronic Angus and Raj. All the students are over seen by the creepy Dr Maltravers (Charles Dance).

Dorian is President of the utterly posh and not at all inclusive Dandelion club. The club throw their annual Feast of Fools party and Angus and Raj find themselves acting as the club’s fools. Charlotte leaps into bed with Dorian. Sure all the characters are written with the emotional range of a coma patient but this was good. In between bouts of sex and drugs, there are little cracks that hint there is something darker and ominous going on. There are the college’s weird rituals and mutterings about something called the Hourglass.

Best Lines:
“This is a wicked place.”

“So how do I join?”
“You can’t because your parents are poor.”

“Everybody’s so clever, beautiful and posh.”

~
Ep 2
If this is the best college in the UK, then how did Dorian, Angus, Raj and Maddy get in? None of them seem capable of writing their own name. The comedy/drama tone reminds me of ‘She Wolf of London’. Anyway Dandelion club member Ross freaks out and beats up a friend of Theo’s. Angus and Raj are tormented some more by Dorian. The Dandelion club and their natty outfits bully all who are not in their tax bracket. Charlotte sort of bonds with Ross. Theo is targeted by the Dandelion club.

Ross is cared for by his boyfriend Jonty. Maltravers chases Dorian with a cane. The new college warden Angela schemes to bring down the Dandelion club. Gabriel, the kicked around teacher, is enlisted to help her. There is a mysterious death. This was good. But the whole fake statue scheme was a bit ludicrous. Did no-one notice?

Best Lines:
“£60,000?! What happened to it?”
“Can I just convey the Dandelion club’s sincerest apologies?”

“I’m not afraid of those inbreeds.”

~
Ep 3
With Ross dead his vile, grasping, freeloading brother shows up to extort as much money as possible out of the situation. Dr Cooper broods. Maltravers feuds with Dorian by freezing the Dandelion club’s account. Charlotte finds a message from the late Ross that hints at nefarious goings on. Angela is useless. Angus and Raj are moronic. Charlotte is caught red handed raiding Ross’ coffin. Dorian threatens to shoot Rosalind’s horse unless she does his coursework. Ross’ boyfriend Jonty begins his descent into insanity when he steals Ross’ body. This was good.

Best Lines:
“Why don’t you just do your own coursework?”
“I don’t know how.”

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Ep 4
Rosalind and Charlotte compete in the student rep election which leads to Charlotte knocking Rosalind out with a super soaker. Dorian’s vile father shows up and gives him a good punch in the face. Dorian fixes the election so Rosalind wins. Jonty continues to go insane as not one of his Dandelion club buddies seem to notice or care. This was okay. Cooke camps it up even more as Dorian. How come all the posh students have rooms that look like suites in The Ritz and all the average students have rooms like crummy bedsits?

Best Line:
“We can be pioneers Linus, great men. But if we make mistakes, people will want to call us much more unpleasant names.”

~
Ep 5
It’s Founders Day and former alumni visit. Maddy’s larger lout fiancée Gethin shows up, only for his visit to make her realise that she loves Theo. Hunter an embittered former alumni is taken hostage by the Dandelions. The cut on Dorian’s face has healed. Angela continues her obsession with the Dandelions. Charlotte learns her father was the bullying Dandelion club president in 1983. A wedding dress is delivered to Rosalind and so she dumps Theo. Angela is revealed as a liar. This was dull but it’s still better than ‘Paradox’.

Best Lines:
“20 years ago Jasper Richards and Owen McGarvey faked an alien landing on the front quad. Five years after that, Tommy Sewell and Greg Dettinger simulated an outbreak of leprosy that closed the college for six months.”

“You make the sheep look like a PhD student.”

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Ep 6
Ross’ body floats up. Maltravers’ mysterious boss has words with him. Dorian and Charlotte get close again. What is the mysterious project? What is the real purpose of the Dandelion club? It seems Jonty is about to find out as the disturbed lad is made into the replacement test subject by Maltravers and Cooper. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Look around: fresh air, trees, the banks of the river, a decomposing corpse.”

“If this vandal genuinely knew that we did, he would make one of two choices. Run to the authorities or run for his life.”

~
Ep 7
Rosalind reigns as student rep. Mr Pearce, the envoy from Maltravers unknown boss, arrives. Angela whines. Maltravers gets angry. It is said that the mysterious project is to save the world. The smarmy Dorian shows his true colours. Theo has a chance with Maddy and ruins it. None of Jonty’s so called friends seem concerned about his breakdown and disappearance. Anyway Jonty has been experimented on by Maltravers reminding me of the movie ‘Society’. This was dull.

Best Lines:
“They’re gonna send people, people even I’m scared of.”

“You’re going to be married in three weeks and I hope he beats you.”

This horror spoof stars people (I hesitate to call them actors) who were never heard from again, with the exception of Chris Titus (of the lamented sitcom ‘Titus’) in a bit part.

A UFO lands in a small town in a shower of 80’s SFX. A pair of idiots wearing vile 80’s fashions decides to investigate. So Mike the mouth breather and his out of control perm sporting girlfriend Debbie come across a big top populated by killer alien clowns. As you do. They react via terrible acting.

The creepy clowns rampage through town with their bloodhound balloon animas, man eating shadow puppets and popcorn guns. They turn people into candyfloss and drink their blood. Naturally authority figures are sceptical. So Debbie and Mike can only rely on Dave the cop and the moron Terenzi brothers to save the day.

There are leg warmers, balloon prisons, killer custard pies and nightmare fuel for clown haters. This was dull.

A famous and unpopular sitcom actress is murdered. This comedic ep is best watched for homages to backstage problems on such shows as ‘Grace Under Fire’, ‘Cybill’ and ‘Rosanne’.

The star of the sitcom ‘Annabelle!’ is dead. The alcoholic, bulimic, temper tantrum throwing, writer abusing Annabelle (Katey Segal of ‘Married with Children’ and ‘Sons of Anarchy’) was not popular. So who killed her? Well after another death the truth doth out. But the killers get away with it. This was okay.

Donna whines. Opie whines. Tara has to remedy the SOA's inadequate gunshot first aid attempts. Gemma whines. People natter. Jax reads his daddy’s journal and then burns it. Clay makes peace with the Mayans but there is a price to peace. This was dull.

I recommend ‘Clinkers’ candy which is like chocolate covered pop rocks. It’s weird but tasty.

Saw the trailer for ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’. That was it? The infamous banned Santa slasher flick?

Picking up where season 2 left off, the AS takes revenge on Texas, Jake broods, the civil war must be fought differently and Hawkins sets out on another impossible mission. As for Jericho? Major Beck is covertly assisting the Jericho resistance. This was good but the Beck plot doesn’t seem to tie in with the end of season 2.

Beck is still working for and with the AS despite seemingly rebelling at the end of season 2. Also the AS has Jericho in its grip and the resistance is therefore covert. Didn’t Beck’s troops rip off their AS flag patches at the end of season 2 and join him in rebelling? So why is Beck back with the AS and he and his troops are all sporting the AS flag patch? Why is the resistance covert? Why wasn’t Texas prepared for the AS strike back? Maybe all this will be answered in future issues. I fully intend to keep reading.

While exploring the Destiny the crew find a device that carries the promise of a way home. Also Young does something that will have a banquet of consequences and I fear a harsh supper is to come.

Telford is being a bastard as he obsesses over body swapping with people on Destiny, to the extent that people are noticing but not doing anything to stop it. Even worse, he’s poisoning Young’s wife against him for his own nefarious ends. Why do Young and Telford hate each other so much?

Rush obsesses over the Ancient database and lies. He has somehow formed the scientists into his own toadying faction. Scott and Wray visit Earth. Scott learns he has a son and Wray visits her girlfriend Sharon.

There seem to be hints that use of the stones has side effects. But when Young finds out Telford’s up to something he somewhat unwisely beats the tar out of Telford. This was very good. But questions are raised: where did the crew get their exercise gear? Where did they get the beds with satin sheets? Why is Young’s wife such a twist? Why wasn’t Scott more freaked out by having Telford’s memories? What is Rush’s agenda? Has Telford no peripheral vision? He didn't see Young's fist coming at his face.

Best Lines:
“Always you on the stones. Don’t you let anyone else take a turn?”

“You pathetic piece of scum!”

This is the 7th entry in Hamilton’s ‘Merry Gentry’ series. Merry the half fairy, mostly human ‘heroine’ is pregnant with twins. This means that she will be Queen of the Fairies. Or will she?

For a start each baby has three fathers, after all Merry can’t possibly ditch one of her many men and their ankle length hair. Then Merry’s grandmother shows up to protest her carry on, this makes Merry’s gran evil so she has to die. Via some idiot dialogue Merry calls the Wild Hunt and goes to visit the Bright Court of fairy.

After a very iffy start, the book finally picks up after Merry summons the Wild Hunt. She ends up handfasted to Sholto and her other men sulk. Her crazy cousin Cel puts her in peril, but luckily Merry has the goddess on her side.

It all comes to a happily ever after, more or less. This seemed to be the logical end to Merry’s story but no. An 8th novel ‘Divine Misdemeanours’ is out soon. Still flaws aside this is a good read with sensual magic. Merry lives in a fantastic, glittering world but maybe her tale should have ended here.

~
Mendoza was rescued from the dungeons of the Spanish Inquisition and granted immortality by the Company. This mysterious group of time travellers uses immortal operatives to preserve art, animals, plants and artefacts that would otherwise be lost to history. And now Mendoza will spend her endless life working for them.

Her first assignment is to Tudor England. She will pose as the daughter of a doctor pretending to be part of Prince Phillip’s entourage as he marries Queen Mary. Once in England the operatives visit Sir Walter Iden to collect samples from his garden.

Mendoza does not like her assignment, the country is cold and hostile but after meeting Iden’s servant Nicholas Harpole her opinion changes. She becomes fascinated by him and the political and religious turmoil that surrounds them. She even considers turning her back on the Company, but disaster is about to engulf them.

This is a wonderful tale of Renaissance England, love, turmoil and the price of immortality.

Erica ignores Tyler so he whines and is dumb. Val has a heart problem and she’s pregnant. But is it Ryan’s? The V’s have a plan but nobody knows what it is. Marcus stands around ominously. Chad looks like a cut price Michael J Fox. Georgie is shot. Erica guesses Ryan’s secret. Joshua has to kill a friend.

Anna gets Tyler on Team V by showing him the ship’s engine room. The V’s have done something to the flu vaccine. Marcus tells Chad he is dying and that the V’s can cure him for a price. Is Chad really dying or is Marcus lying? Anna shows off what Cyrus meant by ‘connected’ as she gives all the V’s bliss via some new age babble. The only V not shown reacting was Marcus which makes you wonder. Jack is stabbed and outside the solar system an armada of ships approach.

This was dull. Maybe the 2010 eps will be better. It’s all so slow moving and dumb and boring. Erica's face never moves even if the V's pulled out her intestines through her mouth, I bet her face would still not move. Also the idiot Tyler and the Barbie turned crack ho looking Lisa both need to go.

Best Line:
“The innocent will suffer.”

Nestor Carbonell (of 'Lost' and 'Cane') was in three episodes of season 4 ‘Cold Case’. I’ve seen two of them. There was ‘The War at Home’ where he was in two scenes being clean cut and domestic. And then there was ‘The Key’ in which he got to be all broody, smoking and unwashed and he got to beat up the irritating Scotty Valens character. Of the two eps 'The Key' was better mainly due to the main plot which centred on an unsolved murder stemming from a key party in the 1970's.

Jax remembers he has a kid. The prospect has to cough up money. The SOA realise that their enemies have joined forces. Jax and stepdaddy Clay have issues. Tara’s ex goes nuts so Jax kills him and Tara and he do the nasty next to the corpse. This was an awful, awful, awful episode.

The Cabal: population evil have Ashley and her horrible hair in their nefarious grip. They have plans for her. Meanwhile Magnus and co arrive at the ruined vampire city and learn how the vampires were wiped out. Then Tesla makes a smug return. Magnus rants as the gang go through tasks to find the keys to the source blood. Clara whines, John and Watson annoy, Tesla is smug and Watson dies.

Things end on a bleak note as the Cabal seems to be victorious. This was very good; I look forward to season 2.

Best Lines:
“We are fighting for humanity’s survival and she’s chosen the wrong side. Are you ready to choose yours?”

“You do not want to make that happen.”
“On the contrary, we very much do.”

“The guy who invented radio just dissed Jack The Ripper.”

An Observer (Peter Woodward of ‘Crusade’ who is the son of the late Edward Woodward) abducts a woman. He has fancy tech, a liking for chillies and can catch bullets. Who are the Observers? Walter seems to know as he acts suspiciously as Peter and Olivia try to find the missing woman.

Peter will no doubt figure out his origins mainly because Walter acts so damn suspiciously. We get clues about the Observer’s weird writings which Walter can read but he doesn’t tell anyone this.

Peter and Olivia (and her product placed car) learn that Observers have appeared at historical events and their activity is increasing. The Observer turns out to have abducted the woman because she was due to die in a plane crash. He saved her because he loves her.

Observers aren’t allowed to interfere except to correct a mistake that is of their own making which raises the question. How did the original Peter die? What is the arrangement that has allowed Walter to keep this Peter all these years?

Peter kicks in a door and shows he has ways to dealing with men pointing guns at his head, how often has this sort of thing happened to him. Peter is able to use the Observer’s weapon which nobody else can do. Is it because he is from the other universe?

This was good but who are the Observers and what are they looking for? Walter knows stealing Peter was wrong and that he’ll lose him when the truth comes out.

Best Lines:
“Please don’t take my son. Your friend and I had a deal. We had an arrangement. I know what I did was wrong.....”

“1884. Apparently it was a great year for blubber.”

“Look how happy she is. It’s a shame things are about to get so hard for her.”

From the author who brought us ‘Flood’ and ‘Ark’ comes this earlier book of planetary disaster.

It begins with a bang, literally, as a strange light in the sky heralds the apocalypse. The planet Venus has been blown apart, but how? Soon it becomes apparent that Earth will suffer the same fate. Now as Earth begins its inevitable disintegration, a handful of people make plans.

Earth cannot be saved but maybe humanity can. This is the story of the death of a world and how a new home was made for mankind. This is a good read, it has disaster and hope all mixed together.

Issue 26 was not good as it had way too many in-jokes but this issue is hilarious. Angel, Spike and Groo deal with weird goings on at a sci-fi convention. This was good.

Cleared out a tape from 1999. It contained ‘Lexx 1.4: Giga Shadow’ which was the 4th and final movie in the first season of ‘Lexx’. It guest starred a slumming Malcolm McDowell.

The Divine Order carries out the Cleansing which is nightmare fuel. Meanwhile on the Lexx, Xev sounds like she recites her lines phonetically. Kai broods and bonds with a baby cluster lizard named Squish. Stanley is stupid and annoying.

The true nature of His Divine Shadow is revealed. Did nobody think to ask who His Divine Shadow was before now? Anyway the gang have an adventure where there is rantings from the Time Prophet and a call-back to the Great Insect Wars. Kai and Xev display character growth which was ignored in seasons 2&3 to make her dumber and sluttier and him even more stoic.

There is cheap 1996 CGI. Squish saves the day and there is a twist ending where Kai is possessed by His Divine Shadow. Which was a great ending until season 2 came along and wrecked it. This was dull. The best ‘Lexx’ eps were the season 2 eps ‘Wake the Dead’ and ‘Brigadoon’.

Best Lines:
“Divine Shadow?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t look very good.”

Anna and co get their visas. Doesn’t anyone wonder why the Visitors don’t have a species name and why all their names are Earth names? Ryan looks up an old Fifth Column buddy named Cyrus and a legendary Fifth Column member named John May is invoked.

Meanwhile Dale is interrogated by another Visitor named Joshua who wants to know who saw his real face. Dale was on Earth undercover for 20 years and he thinks his human wife is disgusting. What a charmer. Dale is killed off.

642 people died the day the Visitors came to Earth. One of them was the pilot of the plane that crashed in the first ep. His widow berates the Visitors until Anna has a word with her, off-screen. And suddenly the widow loves and forgives the Visitors. What caused such an abrupt personality change?

Erica is ordered to help with security at the Visitor HQ and ends up saving Anna’s lackey Marcus (Christopher Shyer) from being shot. While at Visitor HQ Erica pokes around and discovers that the Visitors have an immense surveillance system, all their jackets are fitted with cameras.

The resistance comes together as Jack, George, Ryan and Erica all meet up. Lisa makes plans for Tyler with Anna who is her mother. The attempt on Marcus’ life was a Visitor set up. The Resistance have no hope at all.

This was okay. The V’s are creepily stoic, but the rest of the characters seem dumb especially Tyler. I liked the sight of the Visitor language which was a call back to the 80’s miniseries.

Who is John May? How did all the undercover Visitors get to Earth? Why did the widow just suddenly forgive Anna? What is this reconnect Cyrus was talking about? How will they wrap all this up in just one more episode? I don’t see them getting anymore.

Best Line: “There will be no peace.”

Season 1 comes to an end. Tara meets the man from her boarding school trauma only for him to inadvertently reveal that Tara already had DID back then. So what was her trauma? Kate’s behaviour comes hack to haunt her. Marshall learns that Jason just isn’t into him and decides to forgive his mother. Tara acts out. This was dull; Max is the only thing holding the family together at this point.

Due to circumstances beyond my control there will be no review of ‘Old Bones’ the 7th episode of Season 1 ‘Sons of Anarchy’.

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Am still waiting for the ‘Fringe’ PTB to let Peter know that he is living among an alien species for all intents and purposes.

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Am reading ‘Moonseed’, from the author who gave us ‘Flood’ and ‘Ark’. Boy, he likes trashing the planet doesn’t he?

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Saw the book trailer for ‘Under the Dome’. Wow, now that’s a book trailer. The flames! The screaming! The hand hitting the glass! The rapidly decreasing population count! Can’t wait to read this.

'Killer Klowns From Outer Space' trailer
This 80's horror spoof is hilarious and I want the dvd!

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'Bloodbath at the house of Death' trailer
Kenny Everett horror spoof co-starring Vincent Price. Hee!

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'Give it up to me' music vid by Shakira
Oh shut up.

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'V' ep 4 promo
How dumb is Tyler? Did Erica do meth while pregnant? He is DUMB!