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Don’t Run
Harry and Cisco do idiot comedy around a blue Christmas tree. Katee Sackhoff of ‘Battlestar Galactica’ and ‘Bionic Woman’) guest stars as Amunet. Ralph lacks dreams or guidance. There is unfunny sexist dude-comedy. Iris and Barry get a crap gift from Oliver and Felicity and bemoan them crashing their wedding. DeVoe is a contrarian. Ralph, Cisco and Harry and Barry are dispiriting with toxic attitudes. Where did the Reichsmen name come from? Snow is less than delighted that people like Killer Frost more than her. Amunet wears black lipstick and sports a laughable UK accent. Iris is useless. DeVoe hangs around looking sinister and engaging in misconduct.

What happened to all the dead Nazis from EarthX? Amunet is overexcited. Barry is just a fetish wear sporting smug git tool with an insatiable yearning to annoy. DeVoe seems to have mastered quick change skills. Joe calls Barry his son. Eeew. Joe and Harry menace DeVoe. Joe rants about DeVoe’s moral transgressions. Metas are sellable commodities. Snow meets Dominic who is a telepath. This is not a chilling insight into villains. Barry’s suit has a flotation mode?

Iris whines about attendant anxieties. Amunet has a violent disposition. Where is Wally? How did DeVoe possess Dominic? DeVoe now in Dominic boasts. Nobody noticed DeVoe’s wheelchair flying around the city? Barry faces becoming increasingly unpopular. DeVoe frames Barry for his own murder. Wouldn’t people notice the weirdness with DeVoe’s body? The CCP smash down Barry’s door and arrest him. This was corrosively dumb and Barry deserves his battered reputation.

Best Lines:
“The unholy bloodfires.”

“Some sort of evil secretary?”

“Those white-girl dreads came straight from the 90s.”

“Lingering threat.”

“Death-holes.”

~
...And Finally Black Bolt
Maximus is treated as less respectable than anyone else for having the audacity to be angry at being treated the way he was and for being angry for feeling hated. Black Bolt and Medusa are indefensible smug arrogant a-holes.

Black Bolt and Maximus walk around hand in hand. Black Bolt manhandles his brother. How do they have water on the moon? The royals commit violence. Who is the inhumans greatest enemy? Black Bolt betrayed and lied to Maximus. There is violence and stupidity. Crystal whines and Medusa steals the crystals and bullies the blonde orange stick. Medusa admits she turned her back on Maximus. Medusa smashes a crystal to mock Maximus and Auran turns on Maximus.

So Maximus turns into a ranting lunatic and the city is abandoned. Is the door guy left behind as people leave? Maximus reveals he set Black Bolt up to kill their parents. Black Bolt carries out some sick Edgar Allen Poe revenge on Maximus. Black Bolt speaks and the inhumans end up on Earth as Maximus wanted all along. Black Bolt is a sick jerk. The door guy will die on the moon. Charming. No wonder this show was axed. Will we ever see Maximus again? Why did the throne glow?

Best Line:
“Keep you on the moon where there is no water.”

~
Vanished By The Lake (2015-?) 1x01
This French drama opens with interesting opening credits and then shows a teenage girl being predator bait. Then an irritating French woman is shrill and screechy. A cop from Paris is the friend of the screechy woman. The local cops seem uncaring about the missing girl. 15 years ago 2 girls went missing. There are flashbacks. The culprit of the 15 years ago case has been released. An old librarian has a creepy co-worker. The 2 missing girls from 15 years ago have never been found. People stare and are French. The missing girl’s father yells and is sick of his harridan wife. The culprit from 15 years ago turns out to have been hiding in plain sight. Then it ends. Do I want to know more? No.

Tags:

Shattered Innocence (1988)
This TV movie tells the true story of a small town girl who worked in the porn industry and died. There is overwrought acting and the girl’s seedy boyfriend drags her down. Her parents nag her and don’t listen. This was dull and the ruined girl is lost. She goes into the world’s sleaziest modelling agency after running away from home.

Her parents brim over with concern for her welfare which may not be the truth. A nice photographer photographs her. She embraces porn and the money. Her scummy boyfriend screams about NUDE modelling. There is more overwrought acting and people are terrible. Her parents scream about SCUM and decent people.

There is wooden acting and cocaine abuse and huge hair. There is nose rubbing and phones from the 80s. She gets a new boyfriend and wears a scrunchie. This is not a heart-rending insight as she ignores all advice. Good decisions played no part in the narrative of her life. She does loops for slot machines in porn shops. Her parents say this doesn’t align with their morals. This was dull and insalubrious.

Best Lines:
“I don’t like this boy!”

“Eleven o clock is a ridiculous curfew!”

“They’re boring!”

“Nice people in the Midwest.”

“We do nude here.”

“You’re doing porno!”

“Learn how to budget.”

~
Sint aka Saint Nick (2010)
This Dutch horror suffers from bad subtitling but is good. Santa’s come to slay. In 1492 an evil Bishop and his evil minions and his horse rampaged. Bad bad Niklas! The villagers grabbed torches and farming implements and got rid of him. In 1968 there was bad acting and ugly jumpers and people died as blood flew and Niklas returned. Now it is now and he’s back again.

All the kids seem to ride vespas to school. Who will survive and what will be left of them? This is from the director of the memorable ‘Amsterdamned’. A police officer (who was the sole survivor of the 1968 incident) shoots his present, over-sexed students are over-sexed, a hooker dresses as Santa, tourists scoff and there is causal discussion of parental polymory.

Murderous Black Peters swarm and this cannot be accused of predictability. There are some moments of hilarity and some of sheer tastelessness. There is death and destruction, black comedy, incredibly obvious VFX and a really effective jump scare.

Best Lines:
“Check out our pigs?”

“Did you dare doing that?”

“Puts the naughty children in his sack and takes them to Spain.”

“Could you explain me something?”

~
The Net (1995)
Poo.

The Mask (1994)
Okay.

Three Men And A Baby (1987)
Okay.

Romancing The Stone (1984)
No.

Addicted To Love (1997)
Poo.

Notting Hill (1999)
Rubbish.

Air Force One (1997)
Okay.

Shanhgai Noon (2000)
Okay.

Interview With The Vampire (1992)
OTT.
Star Trek Titan: Fortune Of War by David Mack
This was very good. It is a follow up to a largely forgotten ‘TNG’ ep ‘The Survivors’ in which a powerful alien admitted he exterminated a powerful belligerent race known as the Husnock with a thought. Now 20 years after the Husnock were the forgotten victims of a forgotten genocide - it seems that Starfleet and others have been searching for their desolate worlds and derelict ships and space stations that while long abandoned are intact and brimming with destructive potential.

Now a race is on to capture the lethal technology. Oddly no-one seems all that concerned about the alien Douwd who killed all the Husnock everywhere. The Typhon Pact plot, Troi and her daughter are ignored and Admiral Marta Batanides (who I last recall in the ‘TNG’ novel ‘Section 31: Rogue’) has become a rant raving lunatic plotting against Titan, Riker and Vale for unclear reasons. The mysterious goings on with the Andorians are ignored and Mack makes it clear that the Husnock deserved the end of their civilisation as well as putting in a blatantly obvious anti-Trump joke.

Best Lines:
“Tholian thoughtwave radio.”

“Threat vessel.”

“The victims of the Husnock had long since preceded them into extinction.”

~
The Witching Hour by Anne Rice
Over-written drivel.

~
The Mammoth Book Of Vampire Stories By Women edited by Stephen Jones, part 1
This 2017 reprint collects various stories.

Introduction
This babble by Ingrid Pitt really has no connection to the anthology.

The Master Of Rampling Gate
By Anne Rice. This is a good gothic horror that I’ve read before.

Homewrecker
This is a horribly misogynistic tale by Poppy Z. Brite.

When Gretchen Was Human
A woman strikes a bargain to save her dying child. This was good.

Best Line:
“Her desperate finery.”

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘Arrow’ 6x10 promo
Oliver is an ass and Felicity is comically insipid.

‘Wormwood’ trailer
This true crime show looks good. The phrase the most effective accident is used.

Best Line:
“Questions about the integrity of the US government.”

‘Ghost Wars’ promo
Syfy have a new show. MeatLoaf, a crystal ball, staring, dead bodies, silly voices, ghosts, maggots, screaming and puking. This looks naff and there is nothing subtle here.

‘Dark Island’ trailer
This 2010 movie rips off ‘Lost’. There is an island, an evil company, a rescue mission, black goo and a smoke monster and knife fights. This looks okay.

Best Line:
“Should never have come here.”

‘Counterpart’ promo
A man in a dull job uncovers a cold war experiment that opened up a passage to a world identical to our own. Why does the other world hate us? What did we do? There is fighting and gunfire. I am interested.

Best Lines:
“I don’t know what we do here.”

“Their other.”

‘McMafia’ promo
Grim.

‘Ferdinand’ TV spot
Regrettable.

Fudge parcel - okay.
Lebanese red wine - STRONG.
Lemon SanPellegrino - nice.
Orange SanPellegrino - okay.

Anyone see ‘Turtle Beach’ (1992)? Or ‘Bee Movie’ (2007) or ‘Mrs Henderson Presents’ (2005) or ‘Oliver!’ (1968) or ‘The BFG’ (1989) or ‘Mr Popper’s Penguins’ (2011)? Or ‘XXX 2: The New Level’ (2005) or ‘The Tuxedo’ (2002) or ‘Watermelon’ (2003) or ‘Cutthroat Island’ (1995) or ‘Mansfield Park’ (1999)? Or ‘Are We There Yet?’ (2005) or ‘The Odd Couple II’ (1998) or ‘84 Charing Cross Road’ (1987)? Or ‘Bugsy Malone’ (1976) or ‘Dances With Wolves’ (1990)? Or ‘Revolutionary Road’ (2008) or ‘Flipper’ (1996)? Or ‘The Unseen’ (1981) or ‘Fade To Black’?

Maybe I should read ‘Backlash’ by Susan Faludi.

I may review ‘Birdman’, ‘The Guard’, ‘Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa’, ‘Horrible Bosses 2’, ‘Pitch Perfect 2’, ‘McMafia’, ’Daddy’s Home’ and ‘Grandpa’s Great Escape’.

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Uncast.”

“It was decided they were not compliant enough with the Hollywood patriarchy or grateful enough for their part in it.”

“Since-disgraced.”

“Permissible comment.”

“Has all the malevolence of a damp Rich Tea biscuit.”

“Imprimatur.”

“Very precise sensory needs.”

“Want my total attention.”

“Pornified normative.”

“They think that’s the way they have to look.”

‘RTE News’ Quote:
“Blamed the result on eating uncastrated wild boar.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Loot boxes.”

“They look for trouble.”

“Sexed in.”

“Fish studies.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quote:
“She refuses to believe she’s not dying.”

Good Things About 2016 (So Far)

Tags:

What Took So Long
There are flashbacks to Ben and Adam and their tantrums. Jane fawns over the captive FBI agent. The mother cracks up. Hank cruises a playground and indulges in his life-consuming obsession. The vile reporter sleazes. Doug is shot. Jane runs. The FBI agent is found. Doug will get away with it again. Danny is useless and learns he was right about Adam not being Adam. The vile reporter taunts Willa. John hangs out with Hank and has a contemptuous attitude.

Hank can’t handle the life he chooses for himself. He doesn’t seem ashamed of the person he is. This is the final ever episode as this show was cancelled. This was not fascinatingly good. It is full of moral peculiarities. Everyone seems motivated by malice. There is no Grant Show. Danny stomps off. Doug killed a previous victim. Adam isn’t dead and he’s with Jane and the baby. WTF? How did the reporter end up dead in the woods? Who is the father of Jane’s baby? Adam calls Ben and wants his life back. How did Adam get out of the hole? How long has been out? Why didn’t he run? This show ends; there is no sense or emotional connection.

Best Lines:
“They never found me.”
“No one was looking!”

“Where’s your monster taking you?”

~
The Galatea Affair
There is really bad VFX of gondola riding. A big straw hat is worn. A mystery man gives orders and is planning evil things. Solo ends up in hospital so Illya has to partner with a recast Mark Slate (Noel Harrison). Meanwhile Joan Collins plays the dual roles of Bibi and Rosy.

Bibi, an evil Baroness has cool resolve. Slate ‘helps’ Illya to foil the Baroness. They hire a low-rent stripper, Rosy, who looks exactly like Bibi for mock drama. There is no impeccable logic just a crisis of reckoning. Collins shows actual acting skill and Illya does self-satisfied smirks of disinterest.

There is an unsafe looking wheelchair ramp. A malign Baron is a morbid presence. Bibi pretends to be Rosy to foil UNCLE. Slate bleats forlornly. UNCLE is fooled by THRUSH and their sour lives. This show depicts a bleak and barren social and intellectual climate. Slate is calamitously stupid. Illya yells as he and Rosy are shut up in some weird metal contraptions. Everybody lives happily ever after, more or less. This was actually fairly entertaining.

Best Line:
“Pay-off girl.”



The Super-Colossal Affair
A poor donkey wears a hat. Solo is shot in unflattering close-up and acts like a wine-drunk aunt. Illya wears a fake beard. Mob guys talk with thick mob guy accents. Solo wears a nice suit and then plops Illya’s fake beard and a donkey blanket on his head to pretend to be an old woman.

Ginger the idiot du jour is shot in such unflattering close-up that her leg hair is unflatteringly visible. Illya wears an extremely tight white t-shirt. Ginger is the imbecile girlfriend of a fat mob git. A movie director whines as the show goes Hollywood. People are of homicidal temperament and Ginger can’t act.

There is wary contempt. Solo has to bust Illya out of a death-trap. People keep using the term syndicate instead of mafia. Illya rides a bomb which turns out to be filled with the essence of skunk. This was good, skunk bomb aside.

Best Lines:
“The usual reason that family gets together is funerals.”
“Large ones.”

“Is the pool broken?”

“Egg-cooker repairman?”


The Monks Of St. Thomas Affair
Solo and Illya are soaked by a sprinkler. Waverly babbles about a beam. Solo prances around a monastery. This had no noble purpose. The stupid innocent du jour can’t act. Did all the hard kids join THRUSH? One can see how season 3 had a grave negative impact on the show. There is bad acting and this sucked.


The Pop-Art Affair
Solo and Waverly play golf in ugly clothes while Illya caddies. A beatnik dies. Illya pretends to be a beatnik. People speak beatnik. There is pop art and more guest stars who can’t act. The clothes are ugly, Illya rants and there is a happening and hiccup gas. Illya is menaced by suds, dangles upside down from a tree and a moll is killed. This was woeful. Solo has haughty callousness. There is sexism and ridiculousness. This was stupidity. Illya is emotionally glacial. Nobody is a moral colossus.

Solo is useless. People suffer adverse consequences. There is a hot air balloon, teeth drilling dialogue, method emoting, dud lines, an aggressive lack of talent and Illya shrugging off being shot in the neck. This was awfulness. This was wildly implausible jumbled incoherence. This was unsatisfactory with no interlocking storylines.

Best Lines:
“Shoot up there and smell grass.”

“Sacked out.”

“You spray and I spray.”

“A wolf in Beats clothing.”

“Your Dostoyevsky eyes.”

“Graze in your pasture later.”

“Those are bullets!”

“$4.95. I needed rent money.”

“Lose something daddy?”


~
Reign
Sam is now the devastatingly hostile Reign, some of the time anyway. Ruby annoys. Where is Max Lord?!?!? Why is Mon-El a constant male presence on this show? He’s got haughty callousness. His bint wife goes on and on about the Legion. Winn bores. I don’t care about Kara’s emotional fall. Kara dismisses her friendship with Winn and James. WTF is old Krypton?

Adrian Pasdar and Carl Lumley and Chad Lowe guest star. Kara faces horrible retribution for her presumption. Kara does sad acting. There is a moral war with Reign. Mon-El’s bint can’t act. Some dude (Lowe) blathers about a dark god. Did Mon-El and his bint know Kara would be nearly killed by Reign?

It’s Christmas Eve and did Lena see Guardian’s shield? Edge tries to kill Lena, again. There are incoherent fight scenes. Where did Sam get the costume and mask and voice changer? How does Kara not notice that Reign is Sam? Morgan Edge has a lead-lined panic room. Mmmm. Lena and James hook up. Kara causes property destruction as she fights Reign. Kara bleeds and is battered unconscious. Why didn’t the worldkiller snap her neck? Will Reign kill Ruby on Christmas Day? This was good.

Best Lines:
“A Lilith made of darkness and teeth.”

“Stand and smite her.”

“The narrative he chooses to believe.”

“Be alien.”

Trailer, Quotes and Stuff

‘Bancroft’ promo
Bad fillers.

Prosecco - lovely.
Pecans - okay.
Gluten free mince pies - okay.
After Eight Straws - okay.
Salted caramel charm - no.
Orange Truffle - no.
Apple Crunch - no.
Perfect Praline - okay.
Caramel Softly - no.
Hazelnut Swirl - okay.
Surprise Parcel - okay.
Blond chocolate salted caramel - okay.

‘Tower Block’ (2012) wasn’t on.

I will review ‘Feud’ and ‘Sint’.

RIP Keith Chegwin.

Who saw ‘A Matter Of Life And Death’ (1946)? Or ‘Santa Claus 3: The Escape Clause’ (2006)? Or ‘Night Falls On Manhattan’ (1996)? Or ‘Surviving Christmas’ (2004)? Or ‘Carrington’ (1995)? Or ‘Exit Wounds’ (2001) or ‘Shattered Innocence’ (1988) or ‘Dangerous Curves’ (1989)?

What is Amish chicken? WTF are tobacco onions?

Appetitus divitiarum infinitus.

Speculari.

I’d like Dairy Box chocolates.

Who watched ‘Life Goes On’ or ‘My Two Dads’?

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Not one of those people with a rich interior life.”

“Intimidating men.”

“Beleathered.”

“Each more lurid than the last.”

“For wealthy and aristocratic middle-aged men who wanted to meet topless showgirls.”

“Chewy ocean.”

“Just in case you needed more seclusion while living on the most isolated island on the planet.”

“The other side of the Border was where the bad people lived.”

‘FTWeekened’ Quotes:
“Big butch men knocking down doors and rescuing babies.”

“Hoping to depict him as a deranged hippie.”

“Fire him and replace him with someone who would.”

“Assassination teams.”

“Civilisation would certainly disappear.”

“Polychromatic.”

“She was a burden to him.”

“Prestige system.”

“A place erased and lost.”

“Conjectured history.”

‘The Tommyknockers’ Quote:
“Far too late to do anything constructive on his own behalf.”

‘Sunday Independent’ Quotes:
“Something unworthy of a serious critic’s attention.”

“Societal concern.”

“We were not remotely respectable, cab drivers refused to pick us up, and nice restaurants did not welcome us. There were hysterical fights in the street. There were visits from the police.”

“Can display episodes of challenging behaviour.”

“Violence-free eating.”

‘3News’ Quote:
“Cold weather response.”

‘The Sunday Times’ Quotes:
“Their nature is dirty.”

“Image modelling.”

“Traditionally excluded from employment.”

“Offspring dishing dirt on their famous parents.”

‘Fortune Of War’ Quotes:
“Granted none of them the honor of his notice.”

“Media formats.”

“Talk-channel.”

“Act of area denial.”

‘Hollyoaks’ Quote:
“Don’t rile me little man.”
The Cthulhu Casebooks: Sherlock Holmes and The Miskatonic Monstrosities by James Lovegrove
I had no considerable enthusiasm for this sequel. Holmes reads an ominous missive. Watson broods about a traumatising event and addresses his friend with a hectoring accusatory timbre. Lovecraftian horrors bother London, again. There is exposition dumping and boredom. Pages 239-402 aren’t even about Holmes and Watson at all! This was full of contrivances and the tiresome return of an unwanted baddie. This was farcical.

Best Lines:
“To be repelled with all available aggression.”

“Ordeal poison.”

~
Sherlock Holmes: The Legacy Of Deeds by Nick Kyme
There are many violent deaths and Sherlock Holmes and Watson must solve them and prevent a grim final reckoning. This is terrible and rarely amounts to anything like a story.

Best Line:
“Did not wish to share our shadow.”

~
The Marriage Pact by Michelle Richmond
Jake and Alice join a club that is supposed to make your marriage perfect. It’s actually a crazy cult full of bizarre rules that leads to inevitable horror. If you don’t have absolute devotion to each other, it’ll lead to stark distress. This starts out okay but the morally ambiguous club is so obviously dodgy and full of violent psychos that things get ever more ludicrous. There are twists, violating of moral boundaries and a stupid ending.

Best Line:
“Be less interesting. Be less argumentative. Don’t give them a reason to think about you; give them even less reason to talk about you.”

~
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
No, has all the subtlety of a soap opera.

7 Movie Reviews

Swimsuit (1989)
A lame TV movie starring William Katt and Catherine Oxenberg.

Marked Woman (1937)
Bette Davis does martyred dignity.

Jezebel (1938)
Sexist.

Twisted Desire (1996)
This dumb TV movie stars Melissa Joan Hart and Daniel Baldwin.

Her Hidden Truth (1995)
A girl is wrongly accused of killing her mother and sister in a house fire in this dull mess.

Shadow Of The Vampire (2000)
A terrible tale of lost hope and ruined dreams.

The Sure Thing (1985)
Crass.

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ trailer
The island is about to be wiped out by a volcano. People want to save the dinos! Ian returns and there is a stampede and lots of dinos.

‘Designated Survivor’ 2x10 promo
This gloriously unhinged show sees Maggie Q shout.

Best Lines:
“Innocent people don’t plead.”

“No one is more dangerous than I am.”

‘Riverdale’ 2x09 promo
Things go down.

‘Black Mirror’ trailer: ‘USS Callister
This looks bizarre. It’s VR surely? There is weirdness, laughing. Space fleet and it’s so OTT.

‘The Flash’ 4x10 promo
Barry’s a moron.

‘Beat The Flush’ ad
Oh gross.

‘Staccups’ ad
No.

‘Yeti In My Spaghetti’ ad
Oh lord.

Plain French goat’s cheese - okay.
Sea salt & cracked black pepper hand cooked potato crisps - yum.
Gluten & wheat free white chocolate & cranberry cookie - okay.

The rabbit saved from the California wildfires. Aw.

Recall ‘One Man And His Dog’? Or ‘Changing Rooms’? Or ‘McHale’s Navy’?

Why is ‘Annihilation’ going to Netflix?

There’s a ‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ TV show, also going to Netflix.

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Quasi-derelict.”

“Govern every social interaction.”

“That didn’t sound like a rigorous endorsement.”

“I refute it thus.”

‘The Gloss Magazine’ Quotes:
“Mistress’ taste in shoes.”

“Re-use greywater.”

“The horrors of pigeon gutting.”

“Vegan pate.”

“Frustrated fire-and-brimstone priest,”

“Growing oyster mushrooms on used coffee grounds.”

“Brussels sprouts (considered pig food, apparently in France),”

“Had to be kept on a high window sill, because it wouldn’t fit in the fridge.”

“The toilet, which we flush with buckets of wastewater from the washing machine.”

“Lending credibility and social standing.”

‘Sky News’ Quote:
“Limited hard cover.”

‘Den Of Geek’ Quote:
“Not that anyone knew what recycling was in 1992.”

‘Daily Telegraph’ Quote:
“Nobody seemed troubled to find out.”

‘Eastenders’ Quote:
“Slapper up the duff!”

‘The Man From UNCLE: UNCLE VIPS: A Celebration of The Man From UNCLE’ Guest Stars' Quote:
“I am playing my character.”

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Miskatonic Monstrosities’ Quotes:
“An amulet bearing the soul-symbol of a corpse-eating cult of Leng.”

“It will be some five years before an appropriate alignment of stars recurs to make a Portal of Banishment viable again in that region of the country.”

“A man whose companionship could be often be burdensome.”

‘Kung Fu The Legend Continues’ Quotes:
“Don’t you go dying on me the night before the marriage.”

“Old friend?”
“I don’t have many of those left alive.”

“Life and compassion were not high on his list of priorities.”

‘Hollyoaks’ Quote:
“You’re the problem here.”

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